Surrendering is hard for me.

There’s all this “stuff” going on in my life that’s challenging me.

I’m a highly sensitive person.   I don’t know if I would have been this way anyway, or if I became this way due to childhood and relationship trauma.   Probably a little from column A and a little from column B.

There’s been a LOT of challenges in the past few years.

And now my dad’s (yes, the same one I honored in this post) been diagnosed with adenocarcinoma and has been in the hospital for a week because his lungs have been filling up with fluids.  They drained 1500 ml one day and 1300 ml the next.  They just performed a procedure to be able to keep a port in place that will allow easy drainage access and they don’t have to keep putting needles into various places on his chest.

They also performed and MRI, because often, when there is lung cancer/tumors, there are also brain tumors as well.  We’ll get the results soon.

The most awful part about this is that he lives about 5 states away.  I only get updates by phone.  I have talked to my dad nearly every day and I’ve been so grateful.  Despite the severity of the illness, he sounds so upbeat.

And, while I’m not afraid of death – I know it’s a part of life.  I am saddened that I have to be so far away from my father while he’s so seriously sick.  I can’t be there to relieve my stepmother so she can get some rest.  I feel a little frustrated with that.

And, I have only seen my father and stepmother once in 33 years.  It was one wonderful weeklong trip, but our relationship has been via phone…and while it’s wonderful to have that, it’s not quite the same.

I told my sisters about it, and only one of them has contacted my father.  The other one, as far as I know, still hasn’t.  This kind of makes me feel all sorts of sad for my father.   The estrangement wasn’t his doing, but my mother, who worked hard to poison my sisters against him.

So far my recovery from childhood and marital dysfunction has been incredibly hard.  I spend many days at least breaking down in tears at least once a day if not more.  And of course, as my father’s diagnosis this month and my brother-in-law’s lethal car crash last month indicates, life does not stop while you recover.  Sometimes it continues to bring you challenge after challenge.

One way or another, you break from all this grief.

I’m in a recovery program for adult children of alcoholics and an al-anon group.  There is so much *stuff* to recover from.  But the thing is they talk about is how 1) perfectionism and 2) control are two of the MAJOR stumbling blocks for adult children of alcoholics/dysfunctional families.

I am fearful and mistrustful in response to childhood and relationship trauma.  Sometimes I think distorted thoughts, obsess about my mistakes, fear when I have nothing to fear, compulsively act without thinking and, impatiently demand that I change, NOW.

I have a great deal of trouble surrendering and turning over my will to the care of God as I understand God.

I AM willing, at least on paper.

Cognitively, I totally understand the point of surrendering.

I just can’t sometimes.

I lost trust in God a long time ago.

I have so much trouble with this, from an emotional standpoint.  And I’m struggling to let go when I’m struggling with a lot of fear and mistrust.

I’m kind of feeling like things just keep going from bad to worse…though I am pretty sure I have it no more worse than the next person.

Sometimes it’s just so hard to keep the faith when life keeps knocking me on my ass.