It’s nearly over.
A few amendments to the divorce settlement agreement and my 19 year marriage will come to an end and that chapter of my life will be closed.
We didn’t argue much about the settlement. We divvied the assets and debts ourselves and had figured out a child visitation schedule on our own but just had the lawyers draw up our wishes (though I know they hoped we’d fight a little more).
After 3 years of therapy, a year of al-anon and adult children of alcoholics meetings, I realized, there was nothing we could really do to repair the extensive damage we caused each other over the years.
But that recognition has been my freedom, too. I know in my heart, I had explored all the avenues for help I could find and could finally learn to let go.
If two dysfunctional people are put together for the purpose of triggering each other’s deepest wounds so they might finally be exposed and then healed, I think we’ve accomplished that goal, and then some.
But we weren’t meant to be together over the long haul. My healing taught me how to let go of what wasn’t working for us.
We were married on July 5th, 1997. The day after my old favorite holiday. Every year for the longest time it was awesome to celebrate our anniversary with fireworks.
I’m hoping we could have the paperwork be filed on October 31st. I think that would be fun. :)
As glad as I am to be nearing the finish line, I’m bawling my eyes out.
I haven’t cried in a few months, but it feels good to surrender to it. To let that pain of failure out and grieve and when the tears dry, to remind myself I was only half of the problem and I could only be half of the solution. I did all that I could to get us help, but it was a little too late.
For the record, I don’t hate him, he doesn’t hate me. We even care what happens to each other.
We still help each other out to the best of our ability, both emotional and financially. We are working together in the best interests of our daughters.
And I’ve been quiet on the blog because I’ve just been working hard at my new job (what new job you asked? Oh yeah, it’s been a while…) and taking care of my daughters and mowing the grass and taking care of the house and trying to be loving.
But I will be returning to a more regular posting schedule, I think. I hope anyway. I miss my writing outlet.
Anyway, if any of my blogging friends are still out there, how have you been? I miss our conversations.