I have been having a great deal of anxiety and stress this past week.
My younger sister, 31, eloped two weeks ago after getting divorced in June. She started dating her new husband in March. I found out about it two days later when my oldest sister notified me by phone, and shortly thereafter younger sister notified me by phone.
I wasn’t feeling that she made a particularly wise decision, and, in fact, I was kind of upset that she rushed into marriage after I asked her a couple of times to not jump from one person to another, and also hurt she didn’t invite any of our family. I made the mistake of questioning her as to why they had to rush into things and not invite anyone. She then promptly said, “My relationship with you is now over” and hung up on me.
That wasn’t so surprising. It’s what she does. Neither was what went down later with the rest of the family. I thought about sharing all the details, but re-hashing the details only hurts me and doesn’t really help you understand.
It amounts to fear, obligation and guilt.
Which in turn leads me to obsessive self-criticism.
Which in turn, slows me down, hurts me and steals my confidence, my happiness and my vitality. It lowers my immunity and makes me depressed. I’m functionally depressed. Meaning I can keep moving forward, but internally, I am lost in self-doubt. I have arguments with myself all the time. On one side, being my best friend and champion. On the other, being my worst critic.
I realized I have irrational, obsessive thinking about certain things. And toxic self-criticism.
I realized last night, that somehow have expected to be ‘normal’ after all the experiences I’ve had with other people’s dysfunction. I’m not. I’ve got a compulsion to act-in and self-abuse with self-criticism.
I’d like to change that. And I know it’s going to take some time.
I wanted to share some resources:
Introducing Toxic Criticism by Eric Maisel.
Silencing Self-Criticism by Eric Maisel.