The end of the life that I once had.

It’s nearly over.

A few amendments to the divorce settlement agreement and my 19 year marriage will come to an end and that chapter of my life will be closed.

We didn’t argue much about the settlement.  We divvied the assets and debts ourselves and had figured out a child visitation schedule on our own but just had the lawyers draw up our wishes (though I know they hoped we’d fight a little more).

After 3 years of therapy, a year of al-anon and adult children of alcoholics meetings, I realized, there was nothing we could really do to repair the extensive damage we caused each other over the years.

But that recognition has been my freedom, too. I know in my heart, I had explored all the avenues for help I could find and could finally learn to let go.

If two dysfunctional people are put together for the purpose of triggering each other’s deepest wounds so they might finally be exposed and then healed, I think we’ve accomplished that goal, and then some.

But we weren’t meant to be together over the long haul.  My healing taught me how to let go of what wasn’t working for us.

We were married on July 5th, 1997. The day after my old favorite holiday. Every year for the longest time it was awesome to celebrate our anniversary with fireworks.

I’m hoping we could have the paperwork be filed on October 31st.  I think that would be fun.  🙂

As glad as I am to be nearing the finish line, I’m bawling my eyes out.

I haven’t cried in a few months, but it feels good to surrender to it. To let that pain of failure out and grieve and when the tears dry, to remind myself I was only half of the problem and I could only be half of the solution. I did all that I could to get us help, but it was a little too late.

For the record, I don’t hate him, he doesn’t hate me.  We even care what happens to each other.

We still help each other out to the best of our ability, both emotional and financially. We are working together in the best interests of our daughters.

And I’ve been quiet on the blog because I’ve just been working hard at my new job (what new job you asked?  Oh yeah, it’s been a while…) and taking care of my daughters and mowing the grass and taking care of the house and trying to be loving.

But I will be returning to a more regular posting schedule, I think.  I hope anyway.  I miss my writing outlet.

Anyway, if any of my blogging friends are still out there, how have you been?  I miss our conversations.

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
This entry was posted in adult child of alcoholics, Divorce, Marriage, Peace, Personal growth, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to The end of the life that I once had.

  1. ksbeth says:

    best of luck with your next chapter and good to see you here )

  2. C says:

    Sorry to hear things didn’t work out, but it’s good that it seems amicable.

    • Casey says:

      C,

      Thank you very much, my friend. Holding on to what wasn’t working was hurting all of us – me, him, and our beautiful daughters.

      On a positive note, I’m still with the friend I was seeing at Christmastime last year. And being able to have my ex watch the kids every other weekend and one night a week means I have time to make new friends and go places I couldn’t go because I was always stuck at home watching the kids.

      There’s a better balance to my life than there was before and despite the pain of loss of my husband, there is a silver lining.

      I’m lighter and happier than I have been in years.

  3. Most loving prayers your way, Casey sweetness. It’s not meant to be easy; just hang in there like we do.
    Always believing in you, ❤ Leon

    A fellow countryman of ours sings for you…

    • Casey says:

      Oh, that’s so wonderfully beautiful, Leon.

      Thank you so much for being my friend. You have no idea how much it warms my heart knowing that you keep reaching out to show me you care.

      I’ve been having some problems with my youngest daughter (11.5 years old) who was showing some signs of depression and had been writing and drawing some really difficult stuff. I was really worried she was going to harm herself, so I had to have her evaluated. She is doing better now, and I’m getting her therapy with a very kind, gentle and loving therapist and she actually responded well to this therapist. I think she’s going to be okay.

      She’s a writer, too, and has lots of existential concerns as well as difficulties with the divorce. But I know if she can express herself with the therapist, who is knowledgeable about existential crises, and pre-teen and teenagers (!), I know she’s going to get this sorted out.

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