I wanted to post an update, to talk about how things are going for me now. I felt the need to retreat from the blog for a time while I take care of me and things around the home. I realized when a blogging friend of mine sent me a private email, that I hadn’t really updated to let people know how things were going for me now.
I intend to start writing here again. It’s been a life-saver to me and a tool to help me focus on what is important and to track how much I’ve grown, or what stages I’ve needed to re-visit and reflect upon.
In two days time, my husband will be officially moved out. I’ve been grieving during my absence from the blog. I’d been with my spouse for 21 years (and married 18 of those years). And while I know it is ultimately better for us and our children that we part ways, it was hard because I thought about what might have been. I am happy to say I am grieving less and less as the days go on.
I’ve come to a point of acceptance, relief, and even gratitude. We are working on an amicable split and to co-parent effectively. He’s only moving 10 minutes away.
I am making lots of changes to the house, for me and our daughters. Decluttering and re-feathering our nest. When I can, I intend to burn some sage and cleanse the home of bad energy, and set my intentions for the next phase of my life.
My mother, as expected, has been less than supportive. She wrote me a short email. It’s in regards to someone I’m seeing. Though my husband and I have been separated but living together, we were seeing other people. My mother has had a huge problem with this and has condemned me for it:
“What you do with your life by yourself is your business. I can’t change your behavior although I really don’t understand how your morals have gone down the toilet but if that is how you want to live that is your problem.
Your world of hardship and hurt has just started but maybe someday you’ll realize how much you have hurt people in our family including me. It’s not a make believe world out there. It’s real and hard. I hope you can make it.
This is all I’m writing to you until you learn how to behave as a daughter.”
I told my mother that it was all right, I wasn’t going to contact her until she learned how to behave as a mother.
See, the thing is, my morals haven’t gone down the toilet. I told her and a few of my siblings that I’ve been polyamorous since my twenties. It’s the first time I’d outed myself to my family in writing (though I have tried to tell my mother before which is the basis for her comment on my morality).
I am polyamorous. That is my truth.
That being said, this doesn’t mean I actually go around sleeping with a bunch of people (and it never has meant that). In fact, currently, I’m romantically intimate with only one person at this time, and I like it that way. I don’t actually know if that’s going to change, but for now, this is is all I can handle. There is so much that is uncertain right now, and I am putting in a whole lot of overtime at work to be able to support myself and my girls that I need most of my resources to keep myself going.
But for me, polyamory mostly meant that I have formed deeply connected and affectionate relationships with more than just my spouse (mostly emotionally intimate relationships, but sometimes more). I wish I had known I was this way before I got married so that I could live in my truth and let him choose to accept that about me, or not and move on. Just as I hadn’t known that my husband’s ‘social drinking’ would turn into binge drinking, blacking out, anger, depression and suicidal gestures. It would have been nice to know what was in store for me, too. I might have taken a pass.
So, my mother has turned her back on me. And I am powerless to do anything about it.
She lives in a 5200 square foot home with an indoor swimming pool that she built a few years back. She’s probably worth about 5 million right now. She has the power and money to help a lot of people, but not her own daughter because I’m disgusting to her because I do not share the same values.
And she dislikes who I am, how I love, and who I love.
And I’ve done NOTHING to actively hurt my family members. I have stated what was true for me at times, and mostly to state why I need to go no contact with them because they cause me pain and self-doubt. And they’ve turned everything I do or fail to do around to make me feel like I have been devising ways to actively hurt them. Which is simply not true.
I wanted to share something that my friend wrote me recently: I want to pin it here because his words mean so much to me right now, not just in parting ways with my husband, but in going “no contact” with my family of origin again:
Casey, my heart feels some of the pain and the trepidation you must be going through right now. I do want you to know however that you are not alone, and that you are indeed loved by many. Please always keep that in mind when you seem to be at your darkest points – you are loved.
It’s hard sometimes to believe that. But I do know it’s true. I am loved. I know that I have touched the lives of more than a few people through my writing, and though it’s been a long while, I know that they’ve carried me through some tough times, and I felt loved. And I felt a deep and abiding love for these complete strangers who I have managed to form loving connections with simply by sharing my very human struggles with.
I am currently listening to Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability. And I wish I could buy a hundred copies of this and simply give them away to people. Such a beautiful set of recordings about shame, perfectionism, numbing, addictions…and so much more.
We are in this life together and either we build each other up, or tear each other down. I, for one, want to be one of the former, not one of the latter.
I will continue to be transparent. To live in my truth. To live a life of integrity and not bury myself alive, running from the shame that society wants me to experience to keep me in line.
I will continue to share my feelings and my experiences (to some degree) here.
I am neither a good person, nor a bad person, though I have done my share of both good and bad things. I hope my readers have gotten something positive out of my blog.
It’s something that I’m so proud of and I hope some of what I’ve written has moved people to love and accept themselves more, or at least to experience (vicariously anyway), some of the beauty that still remains in our world.