If all goes well, my husband will be moving out August 15th.

I’ve been crying off and on for nearly two weeks.

It’s harder than I thought it was going to be.  Tonight is particularly hard and I keep reaching out but no one is available.  It’s always like that.  When I really need to reach out, no one is there.  And so I often don’t bother.

I’m not handling this well.   It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself there’s a reason we didn’t work out, it doesn’t help.  It doesn’t matter that in some ways we’ve both moved on.  Because I guess in some way, I have not.

This is the first time in 18 years I won’t be living with my husband. I don’t know what to do with this pain.  Crying doesn’t bring relief.  It just hurts worse.

The hardest part?  My mother has rejected me (again).  My mother doesn’t want to talk to me, or help me in any way.  She’s turned her back on me and taken away the assistance she was giving me, because he wants the divorce.  It doesn’t matter any more to my mother why.  It’s all my fault he wants it.

I hate this.

About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
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2 Responses to Ungrounded

  1. When we talked Saturday you seemed better. I know how much it hurts you to be rejected by Judy AGAIN, Don’t forget that she has her own twisted way of seeing how the world should work. Her way and no one elses. Please try not to take it to heart, because I do believe that she does love you in the only way that she knows how to love. It might not be what most people expect from a parent, but that’s all she has. She only knows power, greed and how to use it to either help or hurt. You are a strong, vibrant woman, with so much to offer this world. You are never alone, even though it may seem like it. I will always be here for you if you need to talk. I wish that I could do more, but, unfortunately, I don’t live close by. It will take time to get through the divorce, grieve it, mourn the death of this relationship, but know that there is a reason for it and that there is life out there that can be more loving, more fulfilling than you had in those 18 years. Don’t live in the guilt that has been put on you by either John by his binges and rants or Judy, just because she can. TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK!!!!! I love you my beautiful daughter. You will never be alone as long as I have breath in my body

    • Casey says:

      Thanks Mom Gail. I wrote this post before you and I talked, but I’m not sure when I published it. Maybe after the talk, I don’t know. But yes, this grieving process will take time. I know that. I just have to let this pain out, knowing that there must be some purpose to it, even though I really don’t like how I have little control over when I cry (like in the car ride home after work).

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