I lie in wait.

My daughter had another seizure last week and it was a terrifying experience for me.  Unlike the last time, this happened during the daytime and I had my glasses on, so I knew what was happening.

I was reading The Fault in Our Stars in the bedroom when my youngest daughter screamed, “She’s puking, she’s puking”.

It was my middle daughter, and I later realized she wasn’t puking, but gagging.

I ran from the bedroom and to the kitchen for a bowl, not even glancing towards the family room, where my middle daughter had been sleeping on the couch (she had a couple of very LONG days and nights due to a softball tournament and due to staying up really late for a pig roast and then had a sleepover the night before).   When I finally got to her, she was on the floor laying on her side, having a seizure.  My oldest daughter said she was bent over her legs, then kind of gently rolled to the floor.

When I got to her, I knew what was happening.  Her body was convulsing and her eyes were wide open, the irises turned upward.  I asked my oldest to bring me the phone, and I dialed 911.

I knelt down over my daughter and leaned over her…really unsure what to do.  The dispatcher asked me some basic information and I just kept crying and saying, “I don’t know what to do.  What do I do?”

There really wasn’t anything I could do.  She was already on her side.

I just kept saying, “Please, baby.  Please K, please be all right.  Come on K…”

She was completely unresponsive.

I could tell she wasn’t breathing normally.  I wasn’t sure she was breathing at all.  I worried she was choking on her tongue.

I wasn’t quite hysterical…but I probably was kind of hysterical.

The seizure lasted maybe a minute and a half, maybe two.  Seemed like forever, though.  I just kept looking at her face, the drool pooling at her mouth and bubbling, and spilling out in her hair.  I kept looking at those eyes, staring at nothing at all.

I thought to myself, “maybe she’s going to die” and I kept calling her name, like the dispatcher advised.

“Please, K.  Please baby.”

Her eyelids started to flutter.  Her breathing deepened and she sounded like she was in a deep sleep.

It was over.

She came out of the seizure just as the police officers arrived.  The paramedics followed.

We spent a few hours in the ER, but since she didn’t have any other seizure and she’d already had a CT scan in December, she wasn’t going to have a repeat.

The doctor is not sure if it’s a non-epileptic seizure disorder or epilepsy.

We have an EEG scheduled for next Friday.

I lie in wait.

I lie in wait for the answers.

Not only for the answers to my daughter’s seizures.

But for the answers to my marital problems.

They haven’t come yet.

Or maybe they have, and my decision is already made.  I don’t know.

I have not kicked him out, strung him up by his toenails, asked him to give up his girlfriend, or made any moves towards separation or divorce.  It really takes too much energy I don’t really have right now.

I had some issues with snarkiness and hurt.  But I’m better now.

I’ve been going to my recovery meetings and that is helping me to let go of codependent behaviors.  And to realize my powerlessness over what anyone else chooses to do.  And focus on finding my own happiness.  I’ve been making stronger connections in my groups.  And…weirdly enough…I found one of the members of my ACA meeting ALSO knows my husband.  That was weird and a half.  I actually met the woman a few years back and neither one of us realized it.  Until last meeting.  Yeah, a bit of a shocker.

I was also sort of hit on by another member who is dying of cancer.  Yes it was all sorts of weird.  But it turned out okay.   That’s the last time I stay late to talk to him after the meeting.  I thought we were going to talk about dying and cancer and that was it.  I was wrong.

Don’t know what I’m going to say next time I see him.  Probably nothing.  But probably will not let myself be alone with him either.  Not so much that he’s harmful or anything.  I just don’t want him to get any wrong ideas.

But it hasn’t been all bad these past few weeks.

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of plays at different local theater houses.  That’s what I was going to tell you before my husband dropped the bomb on me.  I’ve been really, really enjoying getting out to see live theater.  It’s been great to get out and have fun.

Yesterday, I went to go see The Fault in Our Stars with a friend of mine.  I really, really loved that bittersweet movie.  Maybe because it involves love and cancer and the girl’s cancer ended up involving her lungs, and my dad died of lung cancer two months ago.  I don’t know.  I do know it was the sweetest love story I have seen/read in a long time.

I think it’s also because when you have children with scary kinds of health conditions, your priorities shift towards what’s MOST important and that’s my daughters.  And adding a divorce into the equation just isn’t something that they need at this time.

Life has resumed near “normal”.  Whatever that is.

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
This entry was posted in Cancer, Trauma, trauma recovery, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to I lie in wait.

  1. ksbeth says:

    i am so sorry for this incredibly heavy load you are carrying on your shoulders right now. i think each of us deals with things in the best way we can, so do whatever you need to do as you try to make your way through it all. i think spending time and energy figuring out what’s going on with your daughter and doing some things just for you are good priorities to have right now. it will all be a moving target as you continue on, but i’m happy you are finding support systems to help. hugs ) beth

    • Casey says:

      Thanks, Beth. I always appreciate the kindness you show me. It helps. Truly.

      One of the things that I’m detaching from is the idea of having to fix things “right now”. There are some things that can’t be fixed now. I’m making sure to feel like I’m getting out in the world and not isolating myself. That’s when the worries would compound and the fears would magnify.

      I’m meeting a woman for coffee or tea tomorrow night. I’m glad about that. I get out two or three times a week now, and not just by myself. So, I’m not wallowing in self-pity. I keep getting nice complimentary things said to me by others, usually about how gentle, strong and positive I seem, even in the face of a lot of difficult things. Which is good, because it means my recovery program is working.

      I’m learning to dismiss the negative self-talk that would keep me down about myself and keep me in fear.

      There’s been a LOT of synchronicity in some regards and I feel like some things are being laid in my path for a purpose.

      Plus, I’ve been listening to a LOT of Mumford and Sons newish album Babel. It comforts me a lot.

      And that’s getting me through a lot of this, I think. We’ll see how it goes.

  2. gijoefun79 says:

    It is ok if we have no idea which way to go. We all have times when things can over ride what may be best for ourselves. Just take it one step at a time and remember you deserve and will have better… One day…

    • Casey says:

      I subscribe to a lot of positive affirmation type facebook pages. Every day i get a small handful of positive messages on my feed. I wanted to share this one:

      “I am slowly learning that some people are not good for me, no matter how much I love them. I deserve someone who is gentle and kind, because my soul is getting tired. I am realizing that I deserve something good is one of the first steps. — Michelle K.”

      One thing I am realizing, is that I DO deserve gentleness and kindness in my life. I’m seeking out people who are gentle and kind. I spend as little time as possible with people who aren’t.

      I know I want my home to be a “drama-free” zone. Peace and serenity are at the top of my priorities. My recovery programs are helping me discover the inner peace and serenity I need, so that I can live it every day, no matter what goes on in the world outside me.

      One step at a time, yes.

      “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Lao-tzu.

      So, yes. I feel like I’ve taken some positive action, at least to help get me out of isolation. And I feel more changes are coming down the pike, even though I don’t as yet know what they are. I heard somewhere that as soon as you start taking those positive first steps, the path becomes clearer as you go on.

      We shall see what there is to see.

      Thank you so much for your kind words,

      Casey

  3. I have no pearls of wisdom or experience to draw on this for you, Casey. I am just glad your daughter is fine, and glad to see you reaching out to those who are healthy and positive. You deserve so much more, and it will come to you. You are taking on quite a load, and are doing what you need to to get through it. Sending blessings and positive vibes your way, my friend 🙂

    Paul

    • Casey says:

      Paul, it’s very okay not to have the wisdom or experience to draw from. It’s good enough to know that you care.

      Even when people hit “like” but don’t know what to say, I am thankful to them. I know they’ve read, and I know they care, even if they don’t have the words to speak. It means the world to me, just knowing my blogging friends are still out there, listening to me.

      I’m glad my daughter is fine, too. Hopefully we’ll get some answers. If these are non-epileptic seizures, while they are very frightening, they won’t damage her brain. I’m hoping that’s all they are.

      I’m learning lessons in letting go of the things I have NO control over. I might be taking on quite a load. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my Higher Power at work, I don’t know, but it doesn’t feel heavy from this end. Perhaps my Higher Power is helping to shoulder this load. At least I’d like to think so.

      Thanks so much for the blessings and positive vibes, my friend. I can feel them.

      Blessings to you and yours, always, my friend,

      Casey

  4. dweezer19 says:

    Sending healing thoughts your way. That’s a lot on your plate. Hugs.

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