My daughter had another seizure last week and it was a terrifying experience for me. Unlike the last time, this happened during the daytime and I had my glasses on, so I knew what was happening.
I was reading The Fault in Our Stars in the bedroom when my youngest daughter screamed, “She’s puking, she’s puking”.
It was my middle daughter, and I later realized she wasn’t puking, but gagging.
I ran from the bedroom and to the kitchen for a bowl, not even glancing towards the family room, where my middle daughter had been sleeping on the couch (she had a couple of very LONG days and nights due to a softball tournament and due to staying up really late for a pig roast and then had a sleepover the night before). When I finally got to her, she was on the floor laying on her side, having a seizure. My oldest daughter said she was bent over her legs, then kind of gently rolled to the floor.
When I got to her, I knew what was happening. Her body was convulsing and her eyes were wide open, the irises turned upward. I asked my oldest to bring me the phone, and I dialed 911.
I knelt down over my daughter and leaned over her…really unsure what to do. The dispatcher asked me some basic information and I just kept crying and saying, “I don’t know what to do. What do I do?”
There really wasn’t anything I could do. She was already on her side.
I just kept saying, “Please, baby. Please K, please be all right. Come on K…”
She was completely unresponsive.
I could tell she wasn’t breathing normally. I wasn’t sure she was breathing at all. I worried she was choking on her tongue.
I wasn’t quite hysterical…but I probably was kind of hysterical.
The seizure lasted maybe a minute and a half, maybe two. Seemed like forever, though. I just kept looking at her face, the drool pooling at her mouth and bubbling, and spilling out in her hair. I kept looking at those eyes, staring at nothing at all.
I thought to myself, “maybe she’s going to die” and I kept calling her name, like the dispatcher advised.
“Please, K. Please baby.”
Her eyelids started to flutter. Her breathing deepened and she sounded like she was in a deep sleep.
It was over.
She came out of the seizure just as the police officers arrived. The paramedics followed.
We spent a few hours in the ER, but since she didn’t have any other seizure and she’d already had a CT scan in December, she wasn’t going to have a repeat.
The doctor is not sure if it’s a non-epileptic seizure disorder or epilepsy.
We have an EEG scheduled for next Friday.
I lie in wait.
I lie in wait for the answers.
Not only for the answers to my daughter’s seizures.
But for the answers to my marital problems.
They haven’t come yet.
Or maybe they have, and my decision is already made. I don’t know.
I have not kicked him out, strung him up by his toenails, asked him to give up his girlfriend, or made any moves towards separation or divorce. It really takes too much energy I don’t really have right now.
I had some issues with snarkiness and hurt. But I’m better now.
I’ve been going to my recovery meetings and that is helping me to let go of codependent behaviors. And to realize my powerlessness over what anyone else chooses to do. And focus on finding my own happiness. I’ve been making stronger connections in my groups. And…weirdly enough…I found one of the members of my ACA meeting ALSO knows my husband. That was weird and a half. I actually met the woman a few years back and neither one of us realized it. Until last meeting. Yeah, a bit of a shocker.
I was also sort of hit on by another member who is dying of cancer. Yes it was all sorts of weird. But it turned out okay. That’s the last time I stay late to talk to him after the meeting. I thought we were going to talk about dying and cancer and that was it. I was wrong.
Don’t know what I’m going to say next time I see him. Probably nothing. But probably will not let myself be alone with him either. Not so much that he’s harmful or anything. I just don’t want him to get any wrong ideas.
But it hasn’t been all bad these past few weeks.
Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of plays at different local theater houses. That’s what I was going to tell you before my husband dropped the bomb on me. I’ve been really, really enjoying getting out to see live theater. It’s been great to get out and have fun.
Yesterday, I went to go see The Fault in Our Stars with a friend of mine. I really, really loved that bittersweet movie. Maybe because it involves love and cancer and the girl’s cancer ended up involving her lungs, and my dad died of lung cancer two months ago. I don’t know. I do know it was the sweetest love story I have seen/read in a long time.
I think it’s also because when you have children with scary kinds of health conditions, your priorities shift towards what’s MOST important and that’s my daughters. And adding a divorce into the equation just isn’t something that they need at this time.
Life has resumed near “normal”. Whatever that is.