Because I want you to know

My dear friends,

I’m going to extend my blogging hiatus and I want you to know why.

Most of my long-term readers know that I’ve been in therapy and recovery for a long time for my own childhood of origin issues, from being an adult child of an alcoholic father and narcissistic mother.  I also married my husband, who has been a binge drinker.  Who probably…most likely…has Asperger’s syndrome which is why he drank (to self-soothe and help him deal with his social anxiety) as well as caused innumerable communication problems for us.  He also had a couple of suicide threats using a gun…the last one of which gave me PTSD.

I’ve been working on my healing journey for 5 years now.  I started going to Al-anon in December, and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families in January.  I wanted ongoing help and support, since our therapist moved away.  I was working very hard to restore my own self to sanity, so that I could be in this marriage a whole person.

This week, I’d come to find out that my husband has been having an affair.  It started in January.  He slept with her three times.  The last time of which was when I was in Colorado, at my father’s death bed.  Because I was out of the home, he invited her to our home and had sex with her on our couch while my stepmother and I was taking care of my father during his last days.

Let me first say, I’m okay with him having an affair at some point in our marriage.  I know our relationship has been untenable for a long, long time.

If that happened 10 years ago?  Yes.  Two years ago?  Yes.  I would have said our marriage was so far off-kilter, that would have been completely understandable.

I’m NOT okay with him having an affair at this point in our lives, when I am in a recovery program to heal from my codependence and PTSD that was caused from his 15 years of binge drinking and his suicide attempts.  Why have an affair when I was trying to do everything I can to make my way back to him?

I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around that one.

I’m ALSO having trouble wrapping my brain around the fact he invited her to our home to have sex with her while I was taking care of my dying father.

When I look back at what I said this January, I have to chuckle.

Remember this post

Okay 2014, bring it on!

So, let’s recap the year so far.

In February, my 33 year old ex-brother in law David died in a terrible alcohol related car crash.

In March, my best internet friend broke up with me after a nearly 5 year correspondence.

Also in March, my dad got terminal lung cancer and died and my mother expressed her upset and betrayal and had to find a way to hurt me because I wanted to be with him one last time before he died.

My sister decided to cut me out of her life…again.

And I found out last week, that my husband had been having a 5 month affair, and invited her over to our home to have sex with her on our couch while I was taking care of my dying father and helping my stepmother.

Ouch.  Ouch.  Ouch.  Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

I just want to say, I love all my loyal readers and friends.

You’ve been a phenomenal source of love and support for me.

I am just not sure when I’ll be back and I wanted you to know why.

If you’d like to get in touch with me off the blog, you can reach me at jentlemama AT yahoo DOT com.

I have no idea what I’m going to do.  I did not ask him to stop seeing this woman.  I just asked him to let her know I know about her.  They went out to lunch today.

Yes, I’m kind of okay with this.  I know it’s all sorts of weird.

But my life has never been normal.

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
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9 Responses to Because I want you to know

  1. Ellen says:

    Ouch for sure. Take care Casey.

  2. Oh Casey…big hugs to you. I know, internet hugs aren’t much. It’s all I can give right now, plus my biggest load of positive vibes your way. Prayers and intentions down your path. I am so sorry to hear about this latest development. And of course…take the time you need to settle yourself and take care of yourself.

    What this hombre here sees is someone who needs to take care of herself first and foremost at this point. Regardless of his issues, hubby has taken things down a rabbit hole…and it’s time to regain your own balance. Let go absolutely. Look at what you can do for YOU. You are worth it, Casey. You really are, even if it feels that the Universe is against you. it ain’t.

    I hope that you can find love still within your heart. I know it’s there. I have seen it.

    Take care. Perhaps I can drop you a line and see how you’re doing 🙂

    Blessings and hugs
    Paul

    • Casey says:

      Paul,

      Internet hugs are great. It’s the idea that counts and I feel hugged, you can be sure of that.

      “Regardless of his issues, hubby has taken things down a rabbit hole…and it’s time to regain your own balance. Let go absolutely. Look at what you can do for YOU.”

      Yes, this is true. And…I am going to be gathering my strength and I’m going to take care of my Self. I’m going to turn this over to God, and hope that he has my back. It’s all I can do right now, you know?

      Today is the first full day of summer break. At least the girls will be home all day long and I won’t stew, because I’ll have to take care of them. I’m going to be planning some wonderful stuff for them to do this summer. I can’t wait.

      Because of husband’s super busy work schedule, I’ve been practicing being a single mom, carting the girls for the most part by myself here and there and everywhere. I am surprised at how I’m getting used to that AND how loving people are that have taken my girls someplace when when they know I’m in a pinch and simply can’t be in two places at once with them.

      I took them out to the Civil War Days event two Sundays ago, and added TWO more children, all by myself. I am really getting the hang of handling my three girls on my own (there used to be a time when it was meltdown city, so It was stressful to take them out places by myself). Maybe it’s my teaching gigs with 21-24 that have helped me feel more confident that I can handle my own three with more skill and grace than I used to.

      Paul, I know the Universe is on my side. I guess perhaps, I need this right now.

      And thank you so much for your support all this time, it has meant the world to me.

      Casey

  3. shoe1000 says:

    Casey,
    I am sad that you are having to endure all of this. You have my love and support to take care of yourself, whatever that looks like.
    I will pray for you dear friend
    Jim

    • Casey says:

      Jim,

      Thank you so much for your love and support. You are a great friend. I spent the day at running back and forth between the ball field and taking youngest daughter to a birthday party. Husband’s working. When he comes home…I’m going to spend some time out in the big woods – my favorite arborertum. I need some time to commune with Nature and God.

      Thank you for being here, for praying.

      Casey.

  4. gijoefun79 says:

    Hopefully this is only a bad season when you are able to look back upon it many years from now. Sometimes we all have to do what is best for just us. You will be missed by many that you have helped along their own journey and struggles. After way to many years and too many good-byes (I truly do hate them!) I have learned to say see you on the flip side because we can never really be sure how long, or what has happened, before we come into contact with someone once again.

    • Casey says:

      Thank you, GiJoe,

      Oh, I can surely tell you, I’m not gone for long. I’m kind of having all sorts of conflicting feelings right now, and very little in the way of clarity as to what I should be doing.

      I’m having a lot of failed attempts at conversation.

      I have been hesitant to share my thoughts on my blog, because I keep changing my mind as to what I want to do. And I keep finding out disturbing information…not at all about the woman, but about other things. And I just don’t know.

      I am dealing with deep dysfunction right now…and I don’t know how to cope with it. I also have no good counsel right now. And…I’m not sure where to find balanced, healthy counsel

      • gijoefun79 says:

        I can understand what you mean. It took me many years to finally realize that it was ok to say I wasn’t ok. For me it was someone who had been in the same environment I was in for them to help me. I could not find any “normal” counselors that could truly begin to understand me, my situation, and my issues. The only one that worked for me was a Navy psychologist that had been through a similar environment. Hopefully you can find someone near you that can help. Maybe even just a really good friend. As far as changing thoughts and not knowing, that is the main reason I started blogging. It helps me to just vent off on some tangent, thought, or idea. Then it doesn’t seem to keep on running laps around that stinkin sign in my head. The sign reads “Space for rent.”

  5. Casey, we do not want to burden you with our suffering; just know, please, that you are not alone in never having had a normal life. You are always in our hearts, beloved sister. Leon and Plutonia

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