However we need to be

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The day I left for my trip, something really sweet happened:

About 15 minutes after being dropped off at the train station – one that is really close to my house- I was leaning against a railing looking westward.  I thought about leaving my daughters and wondered if they’d be okay without me.  And then I thought about my husband and wondered if he’d be okay without me.  It finally hit me that I was going into the unknown, 1000 miles from home, without my husband. And I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I hadn’t even left yet and I was missing him profoundly.  I started crying and dialed my cell phone to tell him. I turned around and looked across a field, and saw a man moving towards the platform.   It took me less than a second to recognize that it was my husband.  I couldn’t believe it and I put the phone down.

When he came up to me, I started crying a little more and we embraced.  I was so touched.  He came back after dropping of the girls at school, just to wait the other 15 minutes with me until the train pulled up to the station.

It meant a lot to me to have those extra few minutes to hold him.

***

I read something wonderful the other night, in Anam Thubten’s No Self, No Problem.

“However, there are no 12-step programs in transcendent wisdom. There is only the one step-program and that is to not associate with the ego.”

I smiled at this.  Yes, I go to two different 12 step programs (Al-anon and Adult Child of Alcoholics).  I haven’t yet been quite convinced of their efficacy, but it is nice to meet people who have struggled, as I have, with other people’s addiction and our codependency.

I know it’s the ego that creates all the pain and suffering. The ego carries the stories that perpetuate the harm we do to ourselves long after the original traumatic events are over.

I’m aware of that.  I’m aware of my part in the suffering I caused myself.

Yet, I’ve been thinking.  I don’t need to do anything to ‘release’ my ego.

It will recede go on its own without any help from me.

I believe we are however we need to be at any moment. We will grow beyond the circumstances of our lives when we are ready, and not before.

It’s as simple as that.

I am learning the art of effortless living. For me, this is about giving up resistance to ‘what is’. Sometimes, this way opens the door to sadness, grief and anger. And I’ve felt those emotions quite strongly once upon a time. But those feelings have moved through me.

I find more optimism is opening up in me, because I now have a lot more confidence that I can handle the unknowns in life. Even this whole trip to Colorado to be with my dying father has been a great big unknown that I’m navigating quite well. I have much more faith in my intuition and my ability to meet life as it is, not as I want it to be.  I’ve met some wonderful people along the way, and I think it was a very good thing I didn’t let my family dissuade me from coming down to be here for my stepmother and father. It’s been very good for us all.

Things have been rather quiet, for the most part.  It’s been nice because he’s been at home and not in a cold institutional setting.

He had a bit of a rough night, though, after nearly sleeping an entire day.  Hopefully we will continue to be able to care for him at home and he won’t be in too much discomfort.

I wanted to thank you all for being a support for me last week, when I was hurting.  Your support that has meant so much to me. I have been able to trust in myself because you believed I was doing the right thing when I wasn’t quite so sure myself.

I am so grateful for your words of support.  It has meant a lot to me.  It’s not been easy on me. my husband or our daughters, but I’m so glad I’ve been able to be out here for a time.  I’ll be returning in a few days, but I just wanted to say thank you for your loving encouragement.

Blessings to you and yours…

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
This entry was posted in A Lamp In the Darkness, adult child of alcoholics, adult survivors of abuse, Hope and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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