Update on my father

He was moved to hospice yesterday.

I told my mother and she is, as expected, cold and critical and she started in on being mean and nasty to me.  Her hatred of my father doesn’t even end when she knows he is dying.

I am not betraying my mother because I want to see my father before he dies.

My mother has EVERYTHING she needs materially…and much, much more that she doesn’t need.

But she is heartless and cruel and has a dead soul.

I pity her.

And I cry for me, because I don’t want to deny my love for my father just to make her pleased with me.  I learned a LONG time ago is there is no pleasing her and more worrisome, when you deliberately displease her, she is capable of making life hell for you.

I will probably go back to ‘no contact’ with her.   We were going to go to her house for Easter, but I canceled that.  I know that would be a psychologically deadly thing to do.

Please spare a prayer for my father, stepmother, and to soften my mother’s heart, and for me, in case she can’t.

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
This entry was posted in Death, Father Loss, Fathers, Grief and Loss, Grounding, Healthy detachment, Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Parents, Shame, Soul wounds and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Update on my father

  1. Prayers sent out, my dear 😦

  2. Casey says:

    Thank you so much. It means the world to me.

  3. ptero9 says:

    Prayers for your dad and your family Casey.
    xxx

  4. jennifertemp says:

    Your mother owns her own emotions and I would let it go, and be with your father. I was with my mother when she took her last breath. It will be difficult but you will never regret it.

    • Casey says:

      “Your mother owns her own emotions and I would let it go”

      It’s taken me 43 years to learn to detach with love, but I’m getting there. I remind myself whenever I feel myself being drawn into the shamed child position again.

      I’m sure it’s not going to be easy. But I do want to be there. It’s really important to me to be there for him, and my stepmother, who was more of a mother to me and my sisters than my own mother was.

  5. ksbeth says:

    i am so sorry for all of this pain to your heart and soul. and for your family’s. my thoughts are with you. hugs ) beth

    • Casey says:

      thanks so much beth. the worry and anxiety is now kicking in. there’s so much to do with making arrangements on this side of things…schedules to rearrange…stuff to plan for.

      i have my train ride booked…and i booked a train because i need time to emotionally prepare. my stepmother said to me today, “he’ll wait for you, honey”.

      And I told my stepmother a little while ago that my lovely, loving blogging friends are saying prayers for us. She has read the comments and was so touched by the gentle presence of my online friends. She feels your love here.

      thank you all so much. it means so much to me to have your support.

      my two older sisters won’t go. my oldest sister has gotten the reports, but hasn’t even called our dad, at all. my next oldest sister did call him, and said she loved him, and her teenage son, who had not ever met my dad, asked to talk to him on the phone, which surprised my sister a lot. He said to my sister he wanted the chance to ‘meet’ his grandpa. She doesn’t know what was said between the two of them, but I was so touched by my nephew’s heart. It warmed me to hear about that.

      My children are the only ones who have actually met their grandfather. And my daughters are having a tough time with it…but, school is still in session and they can’t go with.

      It’s going to be hard.

      I’m going against the wishes of my mother and oldest sister – she did demanded to know why I might want to go. She said, “can’t you say goodbye over the phone?”

      So…yeah…thank you again for the prayers and kindness you all have shown me. You have no idea how much I appreciate it and how much it helps.

  6. Casey, at least this expression of the Destructive Female in your life has not managed to turn your father into a mindless and soulless pawn of your and your husband’s social and financial annihilation, like Plutonia’s mother has, manipulating HER husband with guilt for his lifelong infidelity she ENCOURAGED herself, so that she could easily castrate him and keep him as a psychotic watchdog from hell for her only child to remain cut off from all life as her “friend” or DIE. “Nach mir die Sintflut”, that has always been her motto; “After me the deluge”.

    Your mother obviously did not marry Danny for this reason. What, are we saying that you are lucky or that life is treating you more kindly? Of course not, our sweet Casey, we would never dare underestimate your suffering, and we can only imagine how hard it is to be raising three girls under such conditions (at least our bloodlines are ending with our suffering). But Casey, please listen to us: if you do not depend on this vampire financially, everyone will be SO proud of you if you choose to stop her once and for all from remorselessly feeding off you misery, trampling your soul of Light.

    You are Love incarnate, like your father and stepmother, and we really need you strong here with us.

    For You (and for your mother’s soul), for your husband and girls, for Danny and for Gail,
    A shower of prayers from Greece.
    We love you,
    Leon and Plutonia

    • Casey says:

      I’m very sorry about what Plutonia and her father has gone through with her mother…that has to be so difficult to bear. My heart goes out to her. Please know that while the details of our circumstances differ, the emotional pain and burden that places on us is very, very similar.

      It’s only been with diligent effort and constant searching for healing tools that I am able to be here today to even talk about it.

      My mother had affairs, contracted some kind of disease, gave it to my father, and then blamed my father for giving it to her. The truth came out when the wife of the man she had an affair with found out and told my dad. My mother divorced my dad when I was 2, but tried very, very hard to keep him from getting his visitation rights. My father had been paying child support, but she didn’t want him to see us. She even told him that we weren’t even his children (which was a lie), but then my stepmother intervened, and with her own life savings, helped my dad take my mother to court to ensure my dad’s rights were protected.

      There was other things I found out about…like when my mother was passed out in bed,from being out all night, and my dad found my oldest sister in the medicine cabinet, eating baby aspirin.

      There were many other instances of neglect.

      And then the emotional/psychological and physical abuse (fortunately, that just amounted to being smacked across the face). It was the emotional/psychological abuse that was worse. I was constantly being told I couldn’t survive without her help, then when i did something wrong, she and my grandfather both threatened to kick me out of the family.

      My mother’s worst times was when I was going through my teenage years. She was abusing my stepfather verbally, which caused him to drink more. The more I tried to individuate, the more abusive she got. My older sister was violent towards me, a lot. It was awful. Even if my mother wasn’t around, my older sister was around to abuse me – physically, emotionally/psychologically. My sister hit me, scratched me, pulled my hair (the last time when I was 21), chased me around the house with a large kitchen knife, verbally abused me and told my mother anytime I fought back. Then I’d get punished for defending myself. Occasionally my stepfather had smacked me or was cruel towards me.

      The psychological abuse didn’t end when I grew up, either. They used the mail, the phone, and email to attack me. When I didn’t obey their rules, my mother, my oldest sister, and my youngest sister called me up to rage at me or sent me nasty emails or letters.

      It took me many, many years, lots of self-help, therapy, blogging, talking with trusted others, and now support groups to repair the damage done to me.

      Raising my daughters has been extremely challenging, because I had 3 girls in 3.5 years, just like my mother did. And raising children automatically brings you back to the past, as they go through their developmental stages, you are met with your own deficits. Breaking the cycle of abuse is extremely challenging. I had to learn skills I didn’t have. I had so many unmet needs as a child and they had so many special needs that I was frequently having emotional breakdowns – I cried a lot in the early years, and I slept a lot too because mothering took a lot out of me, especially since my husband was going through his own dysfunctional patterns and the way he wanted to parent was more controlling and his expectations were set too high.

      But I persisted in my search for a better way. I sought out the most compassionate, loving, and gentle parenting books to learn from. I joined gentle parenting message boards (one Christian, one secular). I would say, for sure, I and my sisters didn’t get the attachment bond we should have from my mother. But at least we got that care and nurturing from my father, as much as he was able to. He was taking care of our needs while my mother was unavailable – simply absent or emotionally distant.

      I learned about attachment parenting. I co-slept, breastfed (well, partially, I had some difficulties), and carried my babies in a sling.

      Now, things are SOOO much better and I’m much more confident in my capabilities as a mother. As challenging as it was to work through my own narcissistic wounds, I’m much more calm and assured in my mothering skills.

      My daughters are the reason I am healing. If it wasn’t for them challenging me in so many ways, I might not have had any reason to find ways to heal my own pain. I might not have come face to face with my own shadow. I might not have been given the chance to learn about how healthy parenting looks like. I learned to give to myself the things I missed. Now I can recognize and comfort the abused, hurting Inner Child I have and scoop her up into my arms and Love her the ways she needed to by a Mother but never got.

      Tara Brach has some great resources on her website to read

      http://www.tarabrach.com/articles/index.html

      and this place too had some beautiful stuff.

      http://lindagraham-mft.net/resources/published-articles/

      She’s got some wonderful newsletters, too.

      http://lindagraham-mft.net/newsletters-and-quotes/newsletters/

      especially this one on poetry as transformation

      http://lindagraham-mft.net/newsletters-and-quotes/newsletters/newsletter-february-2010/

      Do I need my mother financially? No, I don’t. I will be doing what I can to get better employment. I have a lot of good skills, so I should be able to find something suitable. I’m feeling much more energetic than I had been (I think I spent about 10 years with chronic fatigue and adrenal fatigue, but I think that is healing).

      Emotional vampire? Yes, I am done with that. My mother and my two sisters (oldest and youngest) were definitely that. I will be releasing the final ties to that side of the family. I do not know what will happen, but I can’t go back into that place of enmeshment. I just can’t.

      Thank you so much for your lovingkindness. It is much, much appreciated. Friends like you and Plutonia are pure gold.

      Much love, many hugs from this side of the pond…

      Casey

      • Thank you, Casey, for trusting us so much as to share all these painful experiences; amazingly similar to ours, indeed! We could be showing you so much more about our similarities, but much of our pain is not behind us, and our problems are not primarily psychological; this “mother” has recently realized that she is never getting her daughter back to finish her off, and she has cut us off from our last financial support, leaving us in a dead end.

        Your loving heart and your appreciation for our connection is the greatest support; thank you also for all these wonderful resources. You are pure gold for us, too.

        Be a bright light for Danny and Gail, our dear sister. We feel them even more as members of our spiritual family now that you have given us more insights into what they have gone through with so much honor and decency.

        Amplifying our hearts’ warmth, standing by you,
        Leon and Plutonia

  7. Sending you and your family love and support, Casey. Go to your father. Let the rest take care of itself.

    • Casey says:

      Thank you so much, Narelle. My train ticket and car rental are secured. After a few phone calls by my mother in the morning yesterday, I have not been harassed any more, so I’m very glad about that. In the past, my mother wouldn’t let this kind of stuff go.

      Casey

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