A bit tired, but I’m still here

I wanted to say thank you to those of you who’ve responded to my posts in the past couple of days.  It’s really wonderful to know that I am connected, albeit in this intangible way.

I’m hanging out at my husband’s massage clinic while my car is in the shop.  We’d already taken it in once and paid $250 for them to fix one thing, but now there is another problem.  Sigh.  If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother (hey, look, I made a joke!).

I borrowed a desk and I was making some art journaling pages earlier.  I’ve been so busy being sad and upset lately that I just could not get motivated to create.  But I did work on one layout and started another.  When I get it finished, I’ll post pictures.

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Yesterday, I’d taken my youngest daughter to her neuropsychology appointment yesterday.  We suspect some kind of learning disability that is being heavily compensated for by her strengths but is also creating problems for her (self-esteem issues as well as anxiety).  We’ll find out more after some educational testing that will hopefully pinpoint what might be going on.  My daughter frequently thought that compared to her sisters who are in the gifted program at their respected schools, that she’s stupid.  From what I’ve been told so far, she’s anything BUT stupid, and is the kind of child that once she knows what to do inside and out, she’s able to soar.  But because it takes time, her anxiety kicks in, especially during timed tests (like the one she needed to take to get into the gifted program.  She qualified with one score, disqualified by another).  I’m so glad that she’s getting a LOT of positive encouragement by the young woman handling her evaluations.  She just thinks my daughter rocks and has so much enthusiasm and joy when working with my baby.  I’m so grateful for that.

I was able to get through many chapters of Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation.

I’m in ‘love’ with this woman.  She is truly a sister spirit of mine.  Truly, I could not have found her fearless wisdom at a much more needed time in my life:

You cannot trade the courage needed to live every moment for immunity from life’s sorrows. We may say we know this but ours is the culture of the deal-making mind. From infancy, we have breathed in the belief that there is always a deal to be made, a bargain to be struck.

Eventually, we believe, if we do the right thing, if we are good enough, clever enough, sincere enough, work hard enough, we will be rewarded. There are different verses to this song – if you are sorry for your sins and try hard not to sin again, you will go to heaven; if you do your daily practice, clean up your diet, heal your inner child, ferret out all your emotional issues, focus your intent, come into alignment with the world around you, hone your affirmations, find and listen to the voice of your higher self, you will be rewarded with vibrant health, abundant prosperity, loving relations and inner peace – in other words, heaven!

We know that what we do and how we think affects the quality of our lives. Many things are clearly up to us. And many others are not. I can see no evidence that the universe works on a simple meritocratic system of cause and effect. Bad things happen to good people – all the time. Monetary success does come to some who do not do what they love, as well as to some who are unwilling or unable to see the harm they do to the planet or others. Illness and misfortune come to some who follow their soul’s desire. Many great artists have been poor. Great teachers have lived in obscurity.

My invitation, my challenge to you here, is to journey into a deeper intimacy with the world and your life without any promise of safety or guarantee of reward beyond the intrinsic value of full participation.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation

I’m so grateful to have found these books, especially now, when my friend is no longer available to me to talk to, and my father’s treatment doesn’t seem to be working.  Given the fact that I’m stuck out in the Midwest, and he’s in the Southwest, I can’t run to see him.  I’m just here, powerless to do anything other than let go and let God take care of him and my stepmother.  I’ve already decided that if he makes it a few more months, when school is out I’m going to take a train to spend some time with him.  This time, I’ll leave my daughters at home, I know it will hurt them more to see him as ill as I know he is.

My friends, be blessed this day and always.

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
This entry was posted in A Lamp In the Darkness, anxiety, Art Journaling, Compassion, Connection, Inspirational quotations and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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