I can’t even handle a full post today, so I wrote a prose poem.
Death and Madness
David died a week ago today.
He was my ex-brother-in-law.
It was a horrid crash.
I heard odd stuff at the wake and
Secret things I’m not really supposed to know
about, but people share with me anyway.
Like about how incredulous
David’s mother was at how
my sister was always abusive towards him
especially after the divorce,
and even accused
him of molesting their daughter,
as if she was his best friend
in the whole wide world.
His mother said “I thought when she remarried,
she’d leave my son alone, but she kept hurting him.”
What do you say when it’s your sister
who did that?
All I kept hearing about at the memorial
service was what a “good guy” David was, even
though there were people who told a different story
(meaning the lies my mother and sister told).
And how much he loved kids and was kind
I know this to be true.
But I felt pain and discomfort for what my
mother and sister had done.
My daughters took his death a little hard,
especially my littlest one.
My oldest thought he was “an amazing uncle”
but she bounced back okay.
It’s been a hard week, but my sister
and her kids are doing fine.
Kids are resilient, everyone says.
My sister keeps posting stupid inspirational
but I know how malicious she is when she doesn’t get
I come from a family of sociopaths
I have been regressing in the past 12 hours.
I forgot how to function.
I realized I don’t know what to do.
i’m feeling hungover–
not from the wine I had last night
from the grieving.
i feel so heavy
i don’t feel like my skeleton can support my weight
i’m sitting in this chair but i feel like i’m going to fall over any minute
into a puddle of fleshy goo
my mind feels like it wants to float away
I forced myself to shower.
I got dried but I spent time walking
around my house naked,
until I got cold.
I don’t know what to do.
Maybe I should call DMC* and schedule
A few sessions of EMDR.
I don’t know where those ACoA people’s phone numbers are.
There is one person I think I could trust
I keep thinking of David.
He and my husband looked a lot alike;
more like brothers than David’s brother and he did.
My soul is tired and
My brain doesn’t want to cooperate.
There’s a shamanic healer I could try
That does soul retrieval.
It could be a bunch of shit, but who knows.
I feel like I’m lost.