I wish I wasn’t reminded of that

My family and I went to my ex-brother in law’s wake last night.

It was hard.

Because it was emotional for me and for my youngest daughter.

And also because of some of the things I was told by David’s mother and a friend who used to be a very close friend of my mother.   I was told things about my sister and my mother that while it did not at all surprise me, made me feel really ashamed to be a part of my family.

I knew some of my sister’s side of the story about her divorce and the problems she had after the divorce.  

I had counseled her, at least for a time before she shut me out of her life, to be extremely cautious before casting certain accusations.

And then I heard from David’s mother their side of the story and what my sister had said and done, before the divorce, during the divorce, and after the divorce.  It sounded eerily similar to what I have heard and seen my mother do to my father.

I never believed the accusations at the time, because it just didn’t fit with what I knew of him (and I told this to David’s mother).

All I kept thinking about was the years and years of dad-bashing my mother did to and about my real father.  The years and years of parental alienation syndrome that she tried to foist upon my two older sisters and I.

In my head, a little movie played out – one where my sister was maliciously attacking David and poisoning her children against him for years as my mother attacked my father and tried to poison my two older sisters and I against him.

As tragic as his death was, I can already see a blessing that he will never have to be subjected to years of verbal abuse as my dad was and he will never be eventually painfully forced out of his children’s lives like my dad was for 19 years.

I was told on Tuesday by a professional in the mental health field that “Healthy people go get help.  Unhealthy people don’t. Sociopaths go after healthy people”  And it dawned on me – my family of origin has NEVER gone to get help for their dysfunctions.  Not one therapy session.  Not one support group meeting.  Nothing.  

When I was asked about how I was, from a longtime friend of both David’s mother and my mother how I have been since she’d seen me last about 10 years ago – I said, “well, I’ve been in a lot of therapy…”.

And I realized that I’m a lot healthier now for having begun my healing journey.  I have a ways to go, but I can honestly say the time I’m investing in my own self-care and healing is starting to show dividends already.

I might have left the abuse behind, but I realize, the abuse was still going on with new targets.

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
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2 Responses to I wish I wasn’t reminded of that

  1. I’m so proud of you for recognizing that you needed some help and sought it out. It still breaks my heart that you had to endure so much at the hands of that person that is your so called mother, I can’t call her that, because a real mother doesn’t do such things to their children, but you are breaking the cycle in your home and that is the most important thing that you can do for your children. Just always remember that your dad and I love you, always have, always will, unconditionally

    • Casey says:

      You know,

      I find it hard to call my mother “mother”.

      Do you want to know what the sad thing is? This long-time family friend who came into town for David’s funeral said something very odd to me at the wake. I was holding both David’s mother’s hand and her hand (they were sitting on a couch while i squatted down on the floor in front of them to talk) and they were talking about my sister and the horrible lies she said about David. I was reassuring them that I never believed the lies my mother and sister tried to tell, and tried to talk them out of it, but that they would not listen to me. The family friend said, “you know, everyone used to say your brother was the most intelligent one of your siblings, but I always knew it was you. And I was so angry when your mother refused to let you stay on campus at the private university. I fought hard for you but she still wouldn’t let you. I thought that was a terrible shame.”

      All I just said was that “while that had bothered me for a while, I know that if I had, I would not have those three lovely and wonderful daughters that I have because I met my husband at the other university I did attend.”

      My life has been unnecessarily complicated by my family. But, when I think, really think about it from a spiritual perspective, maybe I was given the choice to be born to whatever family I wanted to. Maybe before I ever was conceived, I CHOSE to be born to that family KNOWING what hardship I might endure.

      Maybe it wasn’t an accident. Maybe it was something I wanted or needed for my spiritual development.

      Or maybe not. But it helps me to think I may have been given a choice and I chose the hard path instead of the easy one. I can say this because all my life I’ve been choosing the hard path and not the easy one. Why would it be any different before I was ever conceived?

      Anyway…that’s what I tend to think these days.

      I know you and dad love me unconditionally. You both mean the world to me….

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