The most important goal I have for 2014

There is one major goal I have for 2014, and it is this:

I’m going to be very selective about the types of people I want to surround myself with, both in real life and online.

People’s comments, opinions and attitudes occupy my thoughts far more than I wish them to.  Some people’s thoughts and their moods have uplifted me and some people’s have undermined my progress.

I realize that “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”; however, it can take a considerable amount of mental energy to keep the negative responses and reactions of others out of my brain.

I’ve had to learn to exercise restraint.  I realized that there are people, like my sisters and a few friends, who would say something provocative and demeaning, then I would try to respond as politely and logically as I could (not always possible because I can have a temper), and then they would come back with an even more reactive or harsh response.  It took me a LONG time to realize that sometimes the best response is no response.

And then there are just types of interactions that are just tiresome.

I would have these maddening conversations with a friend of mine that would make me feel very sad, and very fatigued:

I said this to a friend I no longer have recently:

[i think] i’m going to address some of what you said tonight.

seems to me that i could expend the energy trying to clarify myself…

but…

why?

then i’ll have to clarify that.
 

i don’t know if it really will matter if i do or don’t try to correct the things i say.

i don’t have the energy to make sure my expressions are perfectly expressed for you.

*

There were some people who could easily understand what I meant and one who frequently would get hung up on words.  I admit my handle on vocabulary is not what it once was, and I’m not a linguist, not even an amateur one.  Trying to be friends with one turned out to be frequently frustrating, because a wrong word choice would result in a mini lecture on the subtle shades and textures of meaning and it was evident I frequently chose a word that only approximated what I meant.

I was particularly meticulous when it came to my laboratory work.  I am particularly meticulous when it comes to choosing words to express myself in my creative writing or my blog writing, but I’m considerably more relaxed in my correspondence with friends.  I do not want to have a pedant attention to semantics when I write to my friends.   I try to convey the essence of what I mean, at least.  I don’t want to argue over semantics.

And there were times when I truly did not understand what was being said to me, either.  It seems though that the more I wanted clarity and understanding, the more things got lost in translation.  And generally speaking, while I adore original metaphorical writing, I really abhor idiomatic language.   It’s not that I have never used idioms, just that I can’t always understand the use of them in the context of what was being said.  I think people can hide their true intended meanings in idioms, and it’s left me feeling confused and quite stupid.  I’ve actually had to look up the meaning of a few idioms, then come back and read the passage I found it in and compare the meaning to the conversation it was deposited into.  And then, still not really understanding, have to ask how the idiom fits into the spirit of what was said.

I wasted a great deal of mental energy and time Life trying to interpret information, clarify (or re-clarify) myself, and moderate my own internal responses and reactions to other people’s confusing or hostile remarks.  I’ve also wasted a great deal of mental and emotional energy trying to deflect other people’s unconscious misuse of sexual energy (but that’s a whole other blog post or three I’ll probably write about) and repair some damage I inadvertently invited.

What a waste of Life.

I want wholesome, edifying, uplifting friendship (and I realized that I do have a couple of friends just like that).

And I won’t accept anything less.

I’m sad to lose certain companions, but I’m thrilled to gain freedom and self-respect.

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
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6 Responses to The most important goal I have for 2014

  1. Wise self-awareness. I’ve also come to see it’s not personal 90% of the time – the offense I might otherwise take at someone’s insensitivity. The other party doesn’t see what I see, and certainly when I’m the one s/he is seeing. We all look out from the filter of own experiences — and fears. It is often insecurity on his, her part that drives their behavior and words.

    Many people also don’t realize the boundaries they need to set in relationships.

    • Casey says:

      Thanks Holistic Wayfarer,

      Boundaries are exactly what I had been lacking, from having grown up in a dysfunctional home (my mother was narcissistic, my father and stepfather both had problems with alcohol).. I plan to talk about that in the near future. I found some great resources regarding boundaries.

      I was the middlest child of five, and a rescuer ever since childhood. I hadn’t realized how much I pain I invited by trying to rescue people who should rescue themselves. I’m a problem-solver and would try to fix everyone’s problems, instead of letting them figure things out on their own. It was a way I could feel a sense of control and, in some ways, a sense of importance.

      My husband had a binge drinking problem, and I tried to rescue him, many times. It was a long hard road for both of us to realize I can’t rescue him, either.

      I’m glad to say I’m taking the focus off others, and simply working on my own development and leaving people to their own. There are some I just simply can’t be around, though. I had to let go of all of my male friends, because as soon as they hit the 40ish mark, they all started to behave inappropriately around me. It happened so frequently it was surreal. I’d like to talk about that sometimes.

      I’m happy to say my husband came through a big transformation, inside and out. He’s learned a great deal ever since he switched careers from being a mechanical engineer and took up massage therapy and craniosacral therapy.

      I’m excited when I think about the possibilities for our lives…

      All the best to you and yours for 2014!

      Casey

      • Craniosac! Rockin’!!

        I’m thrilled for the note of hope in your voice, Casey. The seed of triumph. You actually nailed it, to see the need for control in the mirror. Props to you. And we also can’t fix or help others – keep bringing them fish and spoonfeeding it – when they refuse to learn to fish for themselves. You also need to put on your oxygen mask first.

        Big hug. You’ve come far and the way is looking quite bright from here. =)

        Diana

        • Casey says:

          Thanks so much, Diana.

          I’m actually quite thrilled too.

          And the craniosacral therapy DOES rock! My husband has always been an intuitive person, and it’s allowed him to excel in the cranio. He’s been trained up through somato-emotional release 1 and will take SER 2 sometime this year. He’s really good and is working on improving his gifts all the time. He has a wonderful healing touch.

          I’m off to read more of your blog. I started to read your post on my ipod, but I wanted to read more on the desktop.

          As far as the control goes, I’m finding life a lot more effortless when I give up that need to control. I haven’t felt anxiety in quite some time and I’m really, really happy about that.

          Thanks for the hug, Diana. I appreciate that.

          I’m looking quite forward to reading more of your blog…

          Casey

          • I’m getting chills, Casey. In response to the transformation you both have known. What I loved about our exchange was how I saw there was so much behind that post I read, and then the window into your life you opened in your reply. Amazing stories out here. Precious lives.

            You both will also continue to get physically healthier with the emotional release. The liver literally stores grief and anger. Now THAT’s a whole other post. Nay, a book.

          • Casey says:

            Wow, that’s intriguing about the liver! And it makes a lot of sense, too. Yes, please write at least a post about it. I’d like to know more. If you write a post about it, I’d put it on my holistic healing from PTSD page. I want people to know about these things.

            I’ve managed to get my hashimoto’s thyroiditis (an autoimmune disease of the thyroid) in balance (I was about to say “under control”, lol) without synthroid. I had massive fatigue and depression that alternated with agitation and anxiety for many years, due to accumulated trauamas and the hormonal changes that childbirth brings. I was taking a great deal of vitamins and supplements, only to realize, some of them were taxing my system too much (like l-tyrosine which actually leads to adrenal burnout). The liver must have played a role in this as well. It surely makes sense that it would since it filters the blood. I know from having studied trauma from a neurobiological point of view, that the emotions and the body are indivisibly connected. There’s also something called the vagus nerve…which transmits signals from the body back to the brain…it’s the “brain in the gut” I think I’d heard it called.

            My immune system was crap. I kept getting sick ALL the time (though it didn’t help I was substituting for teachers who were sick or in classrooms where kids got sick all the time). I decided to drop most of the supplements save selenium (as recommended by my endocrinologist), and improve my nutrition and my emotional well-being. I’m feeling SO much better. I can surely imagine liver toxicity from both a chemcial stance and an emotional one. I could imagine that there might be subclinical liver damage in those who have traumatic injuries.

            I honestly can say that while I can’t avoid pain, I know now how to attend to it in such a compassionate way that it doesn’t debilitate me anymore. What helped, for me, I think was listening on MP3 to spiritual teachers like Jack Kornfield and Pema Chodron and Tara Brach who taught me how to hold my experience with tenderness and compassion. My husband’s craniosacral therapy helps me when my body holds pain I’d want to let go of, but can’t.

            It’s not the painful experiences that are the problem. It’s not knowing how to let the pain move through and out of me.

            I’ve learned that part of healing is knowing how place myself deeper in the seat of consciousness so that I might be aware without getting lost in the stories I tell myself about the sensations I’m feeling.

            With the help of guided meditations, I cried rivers of tears, and while there were times I never thought it would end, eventually, I’d find openings in my grieving, spaces where I could breathe again.

            During certain meditations, I’d found healing presence arrived.

            One time in the form of many healing hands on my body. As I was laying down on my bed, listening to a meditation, I was asked to place my hand on my heart and some words were said (I don’t remember what), at that point, I saw a vision of me laying on a table (like a massage table). The room I was in was shrouded in darkness, but my body and the table was lit brightly. I saw my body laying there, and then pairs of hands laid on my body from my shoulders to my feet. I didn’t see who the hands belonged to. I only had this feeling that they were wise old women who had come to help me heal. I felt their presence so strongly, and I felt that these were wise elders who came before me and they wanted to give me hope, strength and healing touch. Needless to say, I was moved to tears and felt overwhelmed with love.

            There was another time, when I was working with some of my grief, I was crying in my bed, and in my mind I saw a female presence and she was stroking my head and telling me in soothing words that it is going to be all right, much like a mother would soothe her child.

            It was reaffirmed for me then and there I’m never alone in this world. That there is unconditional compassionate presence if only I open up to it.

            I’m in the presence of the sacred/the Divine all the time…but I’d lost connection to it for a long time.

            I’m being reconnected to that presence and I find that so powerful.

            And bringing this back around to my husband, I’m able to be more trusting of him because I’m trusting in myself more. I’m trusting that I can have boundaries that don’t have to be walls. I can change my boundaries, I can dissolve them at times, but I no longer have to keep them rigid in order to keep pain out, which also had the effect of keeping love out too.

            His healing touch releases things my body wants to hold onto. And often I get chills running down my body from his touch. My husband says that’s a good thing…and a good sign that the fascia – the connective tissue just under the skin…is ‘unwinding’. I’d have to say, hearing what he’s been told from clients after their cranio sessions, he’s truly been helpful and his clients have regained physical movement and emotional well-being.

            So, yeah, I get chills too when I think about this. I wish everyone a healing journey, though I know not everyone is ready to heal. And I can love them anyway.

            That’s been a remarkable effect as I grow. I am learning patience, compassion, and equanimity…and a generous dose of self-forgiveness when I get hooked again.

            Anyway…I am very glad to have met you. I’m looking very forward to peeking inside your life too.

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