Sometimes I’m not a nice person.
I know that.
I accept that about me.
Since I don’t expect anyone to understand me, except me, I will do what I need to do to tend to my own stuff and stay away from triggers.
I can’t always stop what comes out of my mouth, or rolls off my fingertips.
I don’t mean to hurt other people, and I do just that.
The reasons are as simple as they are complex.
I can say that, for me, PTSD is the reason (not an excuse) for my temperamental outbursts. With every interaction with another human being, in real life or online, the challenge is how to avoid being triggered. Sometimes I just can’t avoid it. Sometimes I can.
The majority of my healing work focuses on not being triggered, and if triggered, figuring out what to do with that information that my system alerts me to. I’m not always successful.
I don’t like being triggered. I don’t like what comes out of me when I am triggered. I am deeply ashamed. Some of you out there are going to understand. Others of you, just won’t. It’s all good.
But in the spirit of radical self-acceptance, I accept what comes out of me, and the consequences my responses to being triggered might bring.
Like broken relationships.
However, I know, and have known, that there are times when breaking a relationship is necessary if I am truly going to heal.
It’s really hard to heal when your so-called friends are asking you, as recent as last week, to partake in sexual misconduct, yes, even though I’m married and wish to stay that way. In the past, I consented to some stuff I really should not have.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I have allowed a great deal of harm to come to pass by trying to relate with the dysfunctional people in my life. I will be taking a blameless inventory of my past experiences. I will prevent future harm to myself and others by staying away from dysfunctional people and things that trigger me and people who are dismissive of me and my experiences and I will be continuing to work on my issues.
But I won’t hide who I am.
I made mistakes I’m deeply ashamed of, but I won’t hide from anyone. I won’t hide behind closed doors and I won’t ask you to fix anything or change anything or feel sorry for me (please, please don’t feel sorry for me). But I will also stick to my own turf and I won’t express about my experience on anyone else’s blog.
I’m not a victim.
However, having PTSD is much a physical illness as an emotional and psychological one. I know from my own struggles with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis (an autoimmune disorder), and adrenal fatigue, that there is truth to this. Those are two conditions I might have avoided had I known how to keep myself safe from other people’s dysfunction (I have enough of my own…no doubt).
I’m not an abuser, either, though I’m know I’m abusive when I am triggered.
It is what it is, and I’m okay with that.
I am human, all too human.
I still haven’t mastered the art of not responding when I’m triggered. I hope, in time, I will.
I’m doing what I can to keep that in check, but sometimes I just can’t. I am looking forward to the day when I won’t be reactive. I hope it comes sooner than later.
I may continue to share my journey here on my blog, as I have always found the process of writing to be healing as I sort through the messes I make in my life.
Or I may just share the joyful parts of my existence, the photographs I take and the artwork I create and the music that I love and the words that move me and deal with the shadow issues I face in my private art journals.
Be well and at peace.