I woke up sick this morning. I laid weirdly on my neck last night and had induced feelings of vertigo, which lasted a long time. I almost thought it was the flu, but it turned out it wasn’t. This feeling is really a tough challenge for me to handle.
But I was feeling better so I came online to respond to a comment someone left on my blog. I just wrote this about an hour ago, in a response:
My consciousness was very much caught up in both external drama and internal drama. I developed Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, which led to adrenal fatigue. I really believe the development of Hashi’s (an autoimmune disorder) was triggered by my being immersed in the dramas playing outside and inside of me.
Other people around me were drama queens and drama kings. Interestingly enough, I was rather addicted to other people’s drama all of my life. I thought it was because I wanted to help them. What I am now thinking is that it was because I didn’t want to face the mess inside my own self. This is the hallmark of codependency.
I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to start my healing journey, but…as it was, I thought I was rather quite functional and had made a great career for myself. But my personal life had always been kind of messy. I want to clean it up. For myself, first, but also especially for my daughters.
I then left the computer and opened up to where I left off in Anam Thubten’s book No Self, No Problem. Very interestingly, this is what I read:
Sometimes ego is very spoiled, like a child who is constantly throwing tantrums. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept where we are. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept who we are. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept the way things are without any real complaint. So what do we do? There is nothing we can do. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept the fact that the sky is blue but there is nothing we can do. You see. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept that we are living on a planet that is permeated with natural disasters, earthquakes, floods, and other catastrophes. All we can do is accept that and learn how to surrender to the flow of all events.
When we accept the way things are we are able to love everything and everybody. When we are not able to accept even one thing in this world right now, how could we ever develop boundless love? Lack of acceptance is conflict. Conflict is pain. It is psychological pain. It is a spiritual illness. As long as our hearts are tormented by that pain, we do not have the strength to give our heart to anything and because of that, it is impossible to bring about inner awakening. Enlightenment, you see, is just another name for boundless love.
It is almost impossible to practice loving-kindness toward all living beings without addressing, in a meaningful way, the innumerable problems arising in our own lives. It is a contradiction, you see. It does not work. If our heart is tormented because we are not able to accept things the way they are, then it is impossible to open our heart. It is impossible to let go of our defenses and embrace others. Therefore we have to constantly practice and deepen our awareness. We have to remind ourselves to accept things as they are. This is pretty much what the teachings called Mind Training are all about.
When we accept everything then there isn’t any problem. All problems dissolve right there.
This synchronicity is delightful to me. It’s not surprising to me that this passage refers to the ego being spoiled, like a child throwing a tantrum. Last night I went to my very first ACA (adult child of alcoholics) meeting. I know my ego had a great deal of reservations about going and, well, pretty much threw a tantrum over it a while back.
Because I was a strong-willed child in a very dysfunctional home, I wasn’t very good at accepting the way things are and really hated being told what to do. I also wasn’t very good at training myself to not be very reactive to the things around and inside of me. I have had conflict with other people most of my life. I just didn’t know how to accept what was happening. My heart was closed a great deal of the time.
But I reached the edge of madness far too many times in the past few years. Conflict in my life was at an all time high with my husband. So many times we were both close to giving up on each other. To this day, I’m not quite sure how my husband put up with me. But he did and for that, I’m really grateful.
I was emotionally and physically unwell for the past, oh, about 8 years. I also had suicidal ideation during the past 3 years, as my defenses just no longer protected me, but were poisoning me. I developed Hashimoto’s thyroiditis and adrenal fatigue. My moods were all over the place. I got ornery in ways I hadn’t since I was a teenager. And I struggled a great deal with my anger and rage as the stress of mothering without guidance and marriage to someone who had his own demons he was self-medicating away chipped away at whatever strength I had. I couldn’t accept what was happening. I collapsed many times on my bed in tears…truly uncertain which way to go, often not having the strength or the courage to go on.
My life was an utter mess. I felt like I was a failure at life. There were some times I really white-knuckled it through the day as the anxiety and fear consumed me. Those were some tough times for me.
Until one December day last year, when the conflict between my husband reached epic proportions and I just froze, and something in me collapsed. I stopped most of my talking for almost a week. I just said the bare minimum and I realized I fell into the deepest crevice of my psyche I’d ever been in. And it was scary.
I had PTSD symptoms for about three months, I think. Anxiety for even longer.
That’s when I knew my healing was of the utmost importance. But it takes time. Ego still gets in the way of healing. I know ego would rather have me dead, than give up its destructive hold over me.
And so, as this year winds down, I realized the focus is changing:
I am now facing my own self, with deep self-acceptance, compassion and care. I’m less focused on other people’s problems and more concerned with my own, and instead of being a peacemaker between other drama kings and queens, I am learning how to cultivate inner peace by learning to re-focus my consciousness where it really belongs.
I still have a ways to go to find the inner peace I’m desiring in my life. I am better prepared for it now. I have a lot of resources at my disposal. You can look at the tabs at the top of my blog under holistic healing for PTSD and Mindful Listening for Meditation and Healing to see what kind of things I had worked with at various points along my journey.
Anyway, I just felt the need to write this all down. I like keeping track of progress I’m making on this journey and I like noting the synchronicities I find in life. It’s impossible to feel I’m alone in this world when I keep picking up just the right messages from the Universe at just the right times. Something, in “here”, inside me, feels connected to something out “there”, in the spiritual realm. We are all connected to this Source, though it goes by many names.
Have a beautiful day, my friends.