Bless the broken road

I recently contacted Gede Prama (a servant of compassion as he calls himself) on a post he wrote called Cosmic Dancing and said this to him:

I keep trying to dance and I would like to live joyfully, though I carry some very deep grief from so many wounds. Sometimes it’s just too much to bear. Any advice would be appreciated.

And he said

As a starting point, learn to see suffering as sand paper that [is] softening the soul. Then focus on the lesson not the punishment. Like meeting holy Guru, learn to trust, surrender.

On his blog, he had this quote I really like:

All of the strong and determined lives are made so on mountains of suffering.

~ The Inner Symphony

I’m no longer upset at the upbringing I’ve had, though sometimes, in the past, I had been.

For in that ‘insane’ crucible of my family, my journey began.

And an intriguing thought keeps coming to me lately:

What if I chose my family before I was ever born?

Given the fact that I will not ever know just how I was born into my family during this lifetime, there’s no harm in speculating on how I got here.

What if it wasn’t an accident that I was born the the family I was born to? What if I was given a chance to CHOOSE my family?  And I chose the one I had?

What if I knew, before I was ever conceived in my mother’s womb, that this family was going to cause me great harm and the road would be perilous and full of trouble, but there would be a great gift in it, if I could just learn to surrender?

What if I wasn’t looking to coast along easily, but I asked for the opportunity to learn how to be fully human, with all of the joys and all of the sorrows that humans could possibly experience.

It’s a fascinating line of inquiry to me.

Yes, what if I DID know?

If I knew my journey would be walking through the fires of adversity, and be the person I am now, would I voluntarily do it all over again?

I would have to say – resoundingly – yes.

I love me.

Despite all the challenges, despite all of the heartache and the pain I’ve experienced and caused,  all the confusion and the fearful moments and the ecstatic moments, if I didn’t have the path I had, I would not be the same person, at all.

I would not be as strong as I am, as compassionate as I am, as real as I am, and as loving as I am.

I was forged in fire.

My soul is being sanded as if by sandpaper.

I do not want to be someone else.

I look back and can love the hard path my life has taken.

And all of the ‘lessons’.  All of them.

And I think to myself…God Bless the Broken Road that lead me straight to…me.

I have been feeling so, so good lately.

I feel a little more centered in the seat of my consciousness, and less centered in my ego.

No anxiety.  No feelings of constriction in my chest.  No fear.  No self-criticism.

Peace.

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
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