After my morning walk, I had taken a few hours to drive to my husband’s massage therapy office and he gave me a two-hour session – one hour of craniosacral therapy [that’s my husband’s blog by the way] and one hour of massage therapy.
At one point, during the cranio session, my husband put his hand on the center of my chest (where I hold most of my anxiety) and then he held my hand and slightly moved it. And I was moved to tears.
Because of our difficult history, we suspect I block him out on an unconscious level and can’t easily open up to him. He can’t intuit as much in me as he can in other clients, either.
I don’t remember what exactly came up in me, but it’s a good sign for me to have tears during a session with him. Somato-emotional release during a craniosacral session dissolves frozen energy cysts. These are suspectedly formed during physically or emotionally traumatic events.
Earlier today, I received an email response from a dear friend of mine who wrote me something
“Learning by doing is often fraught with peril for those who have not embraced Self and established healthy boundaries.”
And, well, I am a hands-on learner. Meaning, I can’t be told what to do or not to do. Like a toddler, I need a hefty dose of trial and error. I’m an experimenter. Must be the scientist in me.
My boundaries, quite honestly, have been unhealthy. I managed to bring people TOO close to me in the wrong ways, to my detriment.
I think now, as I’m working on finding and strengthening my boundaries, they are a tad bit too rigid. Hopefully I’ll get them calibrated soon enough.
Before dinner tonight, I spent some time in brief meditation. Not for any deep exploration, just a simple grounding and energy-filling technique (because I’m feeling exceptionally fatigued today since I actually went on another walk in the afternoon, which I’ll post about soon-ish).
I am able to meditate only for short periods of time when my daughters are home. But even if it’s only 5 or 10 minutes, I make the time.
I’m not really good at meditation, yet. Needless to say my mind wanders. And I just gently bring my attention back to my breath or to the technique I’m using. I also had a half-dollar sized aquamarine flat glass marble I held in my left hand. Sometimes I meditate with stones or charms or whatever I am drawn to. No reason. I just have collected little talismans all my life and I use them sometimes when I meditate.
Today the girls were exceptionally quiet for about ten minutes. No one was yelling, or bickering, or annoying the other or asking me questions. They were all occupied and it was so quiet I hardly knew they were home.
And my mind wandered at first and I was thinking about boundaries. And thought of the word boundless. And then “limitless” (interesting movie, by the way, Limitless is). I wrote them down on a paper to think about them later.
Then, resumed my meditation.
After the ten minutes, I stopped meditating and before I got up to check on dinner, I picked up Anan Thubten’s book, No Self, No Problem. And turned to a random page. And read this passage:
Now and then we wonder whether we are on the right track or not. We ask ourselves this question from time to time, not every day. We can’t afford to ask it every day because it might spoil our day. Like that, sometimes when we are in our car headed someplace, we drive for a while an then we start wondering whether we are going in the right direction or not. It can be a little uncomfortable but still it’s very good to ask the question, “Am I on the right track or not?”
Ultimately there is no guarantee that we’re definitely on the right track. Some people may use their affiliation with a religious organization to validate they are on the right path. However, in general, spiritual traditions sometimes work like clothes made for a baby or small child. Sooner or later, if we spiritually evolve, we’ll outgrow them the same way babies outgrow their clothes. If we try to keep ourselves swaddled in religious tradition, we’ll soon become uncomfortable and constricted. Eventually we have to go beyond all conventional forms just like Buddha went beyond all conventional forms in his inner awakening. Then we’ll become like space which cannot be bound by anything, and our religion will be truth and love. Until that happens, there is no guarantee we are on the right track.
It is easy to hold on to the psychological comfort that comes from association with isms in any form. But we have to be intelligent; we have to distinguish mere psychological comfort from a true spiritual path. To do this we must invite doubt. Please invite doubt and be aware that there are two kinds of doubt. One is detrimental to our inner progress. There is a form of doubt that is based on fear and mistrust. This kind of doubt often keeps us from plumbing the depths of the truth. It pulls us away and prevents us from surrendering. If we’re thirsty for the cup of nectar in front of us, we might hear our mind whispering, “Be careful. This might not be nectar after all.” If we listen to this, we close our lips and turn away. That is the wrong kind of doubt because it stops us. Benevolent doubt fosters a form of courageous inquiry. It has the yearning to realize the truth and encourages further exploration.
~ Anan Thubten, No Self, No Problem
Do I know that I’m on the right track? Um, well…not really, but I do feel like I get some signs along the way that make me think I might be.
We’ll see how it goes.