Choose your illusion

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                     [photo credit: TBS]

I’m pretty sure I’m going through a period of disintegration.


I can be fine for a while, then slip and get stuck in weird corners of my psyche.

A few weeks ago my friend Bruce wrote something wise to me, in response to my relating something that was bothering me and I said it’s “the story of my life”:

If things/stuff like this comprise the story of your life, then it’s up to you to write a new story. It’s not ANYBODY ELSE’S RESPONSIBILITY to write your story. They only can if we let them.

He’s absolutely right.

But my problem?

I’m disillusioned.

And, I can’t choose which story to believe in anymore.

We must self-interpret.

I’m finding that we have to find a way of spin-doctoring the truth (which I am uncertain of in the first place).

Then I come across things like this:

Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. Between the two my life flows.

~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

My brain short-circuits on aphorisms like that.  It never used to.

I think I’m losing my mind.

I actually might be.

Left to its own devices my mind grinds through paradoxes and comes up staring at the abyss.

I get lost on concepts like this.

Yes, she who used to take calculus, biochemistry and genetics can’t tease out just what I believe.

And a great anxiety ensues as I try to figure out what it means, for me.

Last night, I went to the coffee shop to get out of my head and to be around people.  By 10 o’clock, they were gone on my side of the shop (I was leaning up against a little wall and couldn’t see the others on the other side).

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I have a husband and three lovely daughters.

And yet, in that moment, when I realized there was no one there, I felt a loneliness so profound it was hard to stem the flow of tears.  After a while, I just couldn’t stop them.

Husband and kids or not, I can’t find anyone to spare me an hour of their time, alone.  It’s hard to deal with.  I wrote my friend I’m not a very good introvert, I need others to relate with.  Preferably articulate and thoughtful others, but where are they now?  I’m not sure.  Though, from what I hear, many of our nations intelligent ones are in 12-step programs.

I heard that at a World Conference for Gifted and Talented Children last month.  Sadly, I can believe it.  I’m not the only one whose runaway thoughts and anxieties get the better of them.  Oftentimes, our nation’s gifted and talented children are at greatest risk for disillusionment when they hit adulthood.

It’s my journey right now to be relatively isolated, no matter how hard I try or how much I want to make connections.

I would like to meet some new friends, who I can actually meet up for coffee and a philosophical chat.

Do you know what I have found during in my attempts to find female friendships, particularly those with children?  Many of them would often joke about needing wine or margaritas to unwind from the stresses of their day.  I thought this was just isolated to my area.  Apparently not, as this CNN opinion piece by Peggy Drexler states:

“[I]n fact, there’s been a movement toward a certain acceptance — in some cases even glorification — of mothers who drink. Popular Facebook groups like “Moms Who Need Wine” and “OMG I So Need a Glass of Wine or I’m Going to Sell My Kids” have tens of thousands of fans, inspiring one winemaker to create a label of wine especially for stressed-out moms. “Put your kids to bed,” the label for MommyJuice Wines reads, “and have a glass of Mommy Juice.”

Though meant, as a concept, to relieve mothers of the pressure to be perfect, the promotion, even half-seriously, of alcohol as an escape, something deserved as a reward for a long day of parenting, has helped make evident the biggest issue of all: That many women don’t realize what problem drinking looks, or feels, like.”

I think I’d have better luck if I asked women to meet me for a ‘girl’s night out’ at the local watering hole.

Coming from an alcoholic family, married to a man who had a drinking problem, I just can’t.  I’d rather not give in to the temptation to obliterate myself with booze.

I guess wine of this century is the Mother’s Little Helper (valium) of the last century.

I don’t exactly know what to make of it, or how to make myself feel better when it hurts.

There’s a lesson in here somewhere that my mind refuses to see.  Hence, the breakdown.

The friend who counseled me is in Florida and he’s sailing today on that sailboat above.   I’m glad for him.

He emailed me today and said, “let’s go sailing”.

I told him I already am.

The internal seas of emotions I have these days are turbulent, and not unlike sailing in really choppy waters.

Though, I would do well to keep in mind the mantra of my dearly departed friend Barb, “This too shall pass”.

About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, Disconnection, existential depression, Soul, Soul wounds, Stories from My Life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Choose your illusion

  1. ptero9 says:

    I don’t have any thoughts on your dilemma, but wanted you to know that I’m interested and following along, feeling sad for your pain. I’m off to DC for a business trip tomorrow, returning late Tuesday. Maybe we could Skype some time?

  2. Casey says:

    Debra –

    I think this is one of those things I have to learn to embrace. Every now and again I feel this pain. I have to look harder to find what I need. Or take the plunge and start a meetup group…somewhere.

    I’m not sure it’s a good thing for you to feel sad for me. I partly feel I should journal this stuff out on pen and paper, but somehow I just lose focus when I do that. And I can’t incorporate pictures, which I like to do. I think it’ just helps keep me on task to write it here, and while I never expect anyone to read my stuff, I do spill out what is on my heart.

    It usually helps to get this stuff articulated. I feel like I’m going crazy. I think sometimes I might be, but I know it’s just mostly thyroid and hormonal imbalances. If I could get those under control, I might be better.

    As far as Skyping goes? Maybe. I’m trying to envision a time when I don’t have the kids around. This might be a hard thing. When I don’t substitute, I have time during the day when they are in school, but if you are at work, that won’t be possible. I could try skyping at the coffee shop. I know other people do and I could try that.

    I don’t suppose it’s all that strange how I’m facing the same problem getting together electronically that I have getting mothers with kids getting together with me.

    I think we have each other’s email address, don’t we?

    • Casey says:

      Oh, yeah, and I forgot…

      When I was teaching at the high school yesterday, I met another substitute teacher during our lunch break/planning period. We had an hour and a half til our next class. We ended up talking about our experiences as substitutes – and she said it was nice to talk to me because most others she talks to in the schools don’t have the experience of teaching in vastly different grades. We had a lot in common that way. And, in her other life, she was an interior designer, one of the ideas I have toyed with but never pursued.

      We also talked a lot about selective mutism. She seemed very interested in my daughters experience and ‘recovery’ from it. It turns out she had a reason. She thinks her oldest son (now 27) may have that. So, it was good to connect with someone on a deep level. I gave her some information about it and I feel like i may have done her some good. I always feel good when I can make an impact.

      And then I came home extremely drained and had to lay down. Talking takes a great deal out of me these days, even as I miss it so much.

  3. Tina says:

    Hi, have you ever looked into Humanism? The American Humanist Association site is very informative. I also find it very hard to find like minded people and community but the local chapter of the humanist society provides a lot for me.

    • Casey says:

      Tina – I didn’t realize that association existed. I actually do love humanism. I’ll have to see if there is a local chapter. Thanks so much for sharing. =)

  4. Tina says:

    We have a bookclub too and out books for October and November are: Frans de Waal: the Bonobo and the Atheist and Chris Stedman: Faitheist

Would you like to share your thoughts? I'd love to hear them.

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