I’m reblogging one of my posts on another blog of mine.
I am going through a dark mood right now and I don’t have any new material forthcoming. And I wrote this post three years ago. It was one of the first queries I made public as I was sorting through my views on spirituality.
I might re-post some other ones too (I’m really feeling spent lately). But I’d like to continue documenting the evolution of my thoughts.
Does anyone speak the truth?
I really want to know.
God…if you exist…point me in the direction you want me to go.
Most of your humans are liars and I don’t know who to trust.
I’m in a church right now that is fun, entertaining, seems harmless enough, the kids enjoy it.
Only I come to find out it might be based in some bad doctrine. And potentially REALLY bad doctrine.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
I’m tired of the religious rollercoaster ride I’ve been on. I’m an ex-Catholic married to a Baptist and apparently attending a “Purpose Driven” Protestant (for lack of a better word) church (hence the bad doctrine which supports “Babywise” and James Dobson – of the train your child like you would a dog cult) and have been in the middle of a religious tug-of-war for years.
My mother refused at first to attend my wedding when she found out I was getting married in a non-denominational religious service. She capitulated when I decided to make the wedding on a day she could NOT make it. She called me up and relented.
My sister-in-law (a Baptist) confronted me and during a two-hour conversation (that felt more like trial) demanded to know why I wanted to get my first daughter baptized in the Roman Catholic Church since I didn’t get married in one. I already felt guilt because if I hadn’t baptized them, I’d damn my baby to hell. And then she was making me feel guilt for not having strong enough convictions TO get them baptized. There was NO way to win.
Now that my three daughters are older and about ready for religious
indoctrination teaching, my sister is pressuring me to get back to the Catholic church and get the kids through catechism.
My mother-in-law is constantly talking about the end of the world and the “signs of the end times”, and was extremely worried for my children’s souls when we were churchless. But she’s certain she’s among the saved. But she’s not not according to what they told me at the meeting the other night. For me, by leaving the Roman Catholic church, according to THEIR teachings, no matter even if I go to church somewhere else, if it’s not the Roman Catholic faith, I just voluntarily chose to separate myself from God forever. Yeah, right.
My friend is trying to logically point out the flaws of the Roman Catholic church.
Many of the splits–especially the Lutheran protest–came about BECAUSE OF the corruption, rebellion, breaking of rules being committed by the Holy Roman clergy. The Protestant “Reformation” attempted FIRST to resolve “differences”–and criticisms–with “the Pope.” He condemned them to death. How very Christian of him, don’t you think? All I’m saying is that I think it would be a waste for such a great mind and heart as yours to be sucked into a whirlpool of sentimental conjecture simply because you are facing a difficult time.
He forgot to remind me about all the sex scandals in the Catholic church too in recent years.
I’m just about ready to become an atheist. Or divorced. (just kidding on the divorce).
God, if you exist, I’m trying to find my way. I really am.
Remember when I was a girl of 10, and I prayed to you one night, saying I would gladly DIE if the REST of the world could live in peace????
Remember when I was a girl of 12, and I prayed to you one night, to take my pain away so I wouldn’t have to commit suicide because the kids in school teased me so bad and I woke up in the morning I felt as if a huge burden was lifted in my heart and soul and I could face going to school?
Remember all those other times I needed my spirits lifted? Who did that if it wasn’t you?
Who placed all those people in my path when I was downtrodden…when I literally had NO place to go…near strangers who took me in, gave me a home, when they could have easily turned me away?
Remember when I lost my two babies, and then gave birth to two more that were born in the SAME months the first two babies were due [babies 1 and 2 were due in January and September, respectively, but I lost them. First born daughter (3rd pregnancy) was born in January, second born daughter (4th pregnancy) was born in September]. I know that COULD be purely coincidental…but I find it hard to believe it is merely coincidence.
My third born daughter (fifth pregnancy) was conceived the day my husband was supposed to get a vasectomy. Another mere coincidence?
I find my life to be full of too many coincidences to be just coincidences and not a little bit of divine intervention.
I will another post about a comment that resulted from the initial post. In some ways, I feel I let that person down the most. Because she seemed to be sincere, seemed to be genuinely kind and caring and strong in her faith.
For the record, I don’t consider myself Christian anymore. I like Eastern spirituality a lot more and it fits more with my experiences. I realize it was the Christians themselves that made me turn away from Christianity.