Most of my family used to be energy vampires. Sometimes, my husband has been. Maybe, at times, I have been too. I know, right now, I’m depleted, and it’s partly thyroid but more probably adrenal fatigue from trauma and pushing myself too hard.
I am also continuing to work on complex PTSD healing. So, my program called Inner Bonding: Healing Your Aloneness arrived.
The video portion is fantastic, even if the editing could use some polishing. It is time for me to really get in deep within myself to do some of the necessary inner work that would help me fix the false beliefs about myself that get triggered in me; mostly by my interactions with others, but sometimes even in just in trying to clean up the clutter in my home (it’s pretty bad, though I’ve seen worse) as I’ve been avoiding clearing out the things that accumulate in our family of 5.
I also downloaded Clarissa Pinkola Estes – Warming the Stone Child: Myths and Stories about the Abandoned and Unmothered Child.
Both of these programs also work to heal the wounded self to recover the core self – the natural self within. Ego develops out of the wounded self. The core self is the natural child, it is ego-less. It does not judge but is accepting.
I was also encouraged by an internet friend of mine to try some shamanic healing rituals. It appeals to me in some deep ways. There’s a shamanic healer near my home, and I’m not sure, but part of me would like to try it. Just to see if it would be helpful.
I do not feel overly safe with my husband sometimes…but I’m working on that. I know I contributed to my current condition because of my inability to draw boundaries and not participate in the dysfunctional dance. I also didn’t respect his boundaries either, and continued to ask for resolution to problems he wasn’t ready to resolve. I want quick resolution, he prefers to let problems marinate a while. In dealing with some of our deeper issues, we were both moving from openness to judgment as we touch on each others wounds. It’s hard to remain open in the face of another’s criticism and judgment when you have deep wounds.
But it’s my belief that many of us are like this in one or more aspects of our life. Western society trains us to operate with an intention to protect, not with an intention to learn. Our life experiences in dealing with other people who operate out of fear, with the intention to protect, we learn some hard lessons that, without understanding or guidance, close our hearts too because the rejection is too great. We often have old, old pain that gets touched upon in various interactions with others.
I am learning how to not take things personally. It’s a long, hard process for me.
I need to look into more about creating and respecting boundaries (my own and others). Because on the one hand, having boundaries between ourselves and others can be a good thing, as it helps us keep our attention focused on the things we can do something about (our our feelings and our choices) and off the things we can’t do something about (other people’s feelings and their choices), yet, too hard boundary does mean you don’t let ANYTHING in. Where is the middle ground, you know?
I’m grieving a lot of things, but it also overtakes me a lot and renders me unable to act in loving ways towards myself and without that, it’s. I don’t cry and feel better. I cry and it lingers. They say releasing those feelings are therapeutic, yet, I don’t really know. It doesn’t feel that way. I don’t have much energy right now and I long to have a day where I feel happy all day long, not just a few moments during the day.
I want to learn. It’s not easy for me. I invited things into my life that caused great pain. And I’m working on moving past that. I’m committed to it, even though it gets hard sometimes.