Will you remember me?

The song fragment “Will you remember me?” came to my mind this morning.  I wanted to know why.  I looked up the song and then the song lyrics.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can’t be heard

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
But once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

That I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

***

It didn’t take me long to realize that while this song is superficially about a person clinging to the memories of a love, that’s not what it means to me.

I am (still) engaged in intensive healing work for developmental and relationship trauma and co-dependence.  I’m still grieving the loss of long-time friendships and a few short term friendships.  I’m still struggling with alone-ness and loneliness – deep gashes in my soul due to wounds of abuse and emotional neglect that I haven’t been able to mend.

I came across this paper the other day:

Opening to the Inner Child: Recovering Authentic Personality by John Firman and Ann Russell.

It follows from this that the wounding of inner child by abuse and neglect, for example, is something which also affects one’s life as a whole; here trauma is not limited to one aspect of the personality, but damages the very heart of the personality. Such wounding causes a global shift from authentic, spontaneous expression of self—authentic personality—towards a compensating, defensive focus on survival in an unhealthy environment, forming over time what we have called survival personality.

…[I]nner child, whether healthy or wounded, profoundly affects the overall expression of ourselves in the world.

In addition, the term “inner child” points to a fundamental quality of authentic personality—experiencing oneself “as a child” in relationship to Transpersonal Self or Self (Assagioli, 1965, 1973). In psychosynthesis, Self is seen as the deeper Ground of Being from which personal being flows. Thus human being is essentially dependent, deriving from Self, and from this dependence emerges the individuality and uniqueness of personal identity. The paradox is that out of this childlike dependence on Self arises our individuality, personal power, and solidarity with others and world (the dependent-independent paradox, see Firman, 1991).

***

It’s not surprising to me at all that this song fragment came to mind today.  It’s my inner child asking the Adult me if I’m going to remember her.

It’s my real daddy’s birthday today and I can’t bring myself to reach out to him, because I’m hurting so much.  I can barely reach out to my husband, let alone my father.

I have been taking St. John’s Wort in an attempt to treat my depression – mostly the debilitating feelings of overwhelm and the crying spells I have.  I go to individual therapy and family therapy.  It’s at least face to face company and a relatively safe space to talk.  I have zero friends in my life to talk to face to face.  That’s partly by choice and partly out of fear of making new connections.

One of the last friends I made ended up saying he thought I was a sociopath.  Where do you go from there?  I learned too late that I over-shared personal information.

I don’t blame my father or my mother or siblings for the original soul wounds I have.  I don’t blame my husband for his contributions (the binge drinking or the anger or the running to the suicidal gestures every time he felt really bad).  I don’t blame them for the compensating strategies of a survival personality.

But I’m also extremely constricted in my heart right now.

Every time my heart wants to open, it slams back shut again.

I am in conversation with someone on a message board, someone who is a creative/intuitive type.  It’s been a nice conversation.

She shared with me something I want to remember:

I am soooo fulfilled from its depth and complexity and honesty.
I am singing to myself with joy at the aliveness and passion you have for the full experience of life. Fully and passionately out there playing hard in the light and the dark!!

Aliveness even in the darkness what a celebration of life 🙂

I am right now in the darkness, the deep and endless night.

She doesn’t know how close to giving up on life I truly feel sometimes.

I am screaming on the inside but I can’t be heard…and it feels like me and my inner child are on two sides of a brick wall.  And I’m the one who walled her up.

It’s the worst kind of abandonment – Self-abandonment.

And brick by brick the wall must come down.

And  I’m scared.

She had to be hidden away for a reason.

Authentic personality is…not “childish” or “immature,” but “as a child” vis-à-vis deeper Self. Authentic personality does not operate as an isolated, self-sufficient, closed system, but is ever in responsive, vulnerable, and intimate communion with a deeper source of being, Self.
*
This is perhaps one of the reasons the Bible describes Jesus saying one should be as a “small child” in order to receive the Kingdom of God. Again, “inner child” represents this transpersonal openness, an essential characteristic of authentic personality.
*
If we were continuously aware of this dependent, childlike
relationship to deepest Self, it seems we would live lives of integrity, meaning, and purpose, while at the same time respecting our transpersonal connection to other people and all of life. In short, we would be walking the path of Self-realization
(Assagioli, 1965, 1973), living in ongoing communion with Self.
*
Of course most of us are not living in such continuous union
with Self. The tragedy is that authentic personality invariably
has been wounded since our earliest days. This has caused this
inner “childlikeness” to go into hiding, to become split off from
our usual day-to-day awareness. And it is often only through
our difficulties and crises—the breakdown of our normal functioning—that we begin to glimpse the wounding beneath our normality. This is what eventually may lead a person to begin a search for that lost authenticity through such things as therapy, self-help groups, or a spiritual practice. In recognizing and accepting this wounding to inner child, it is possible to heal the break between the child and oneself, and thereby rekindle the dormant ember of authentic personality.

I just paid $200 for self-healing program called Healing Your Aloneness:  The Inner Bonding Workshop.

You can read about it on the website, and even access the free 7 day course or download the pdf here.

I just know, for me, I need the audio-visual input.  I need the external guide to help me through this process.

And I want to address some people in my life.

To my dad:

Happy Birthday!

If you are reading this, I’m sorry I can’t call right now.  I might later…I don’t know.  I’m thinking of you today, but I’m unable to right now.

To my husband:  I wrote this to help you know what’s going on inside.  I know I’ve got a wall up right now with you too, but at least maybe you’ll understand better how afraid I am.

To B – I appreciate you.

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
This entry was posted in Authentic Personality, Compassion, Complex-PTSD, consciousness, depression, Emotional Self-Regulation, Emotionally Absent Mother, Grief and Loss, Inner Child, Mindfulness, Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Parents, Psychosynthesis, Self-affirming, Soul, Soul wounds, Spiritual Teacher, survival personality, Trauma, trauma recovery, True Self, Trust. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Will you remember me?

  1. Mom Gail says:

    Hello My sweet sensitive daughter. Just wanted to let you know that I got your e-mail and I sent one back. I know that it’s been a difficult time for you so I am giving you your space, just know that I am here for you. I love you. Mom Gail

  2. Hi, Mom Gail,

    I’m sorry I’ve been having a crazy time of things internally.

    Because I was taking St. John’s wort at night, I was having terrible insomnia – sleeping about 3-4 hours a night for about 5 days straight. It was rather rough. I went off of it, then spent a few days trying to organize my home and having crying spells in between.

    I wrote you back a quick email. I just don’t want to have this big meltdown or vent session on the phone. I’m worried about so much that is not going right. The financial problems are looming pretty big right now, but I have so much negative thinking going on that it’s hard to garner the energy to see if there are any good solutions to it yet (besides, its summer).

    I’m just really fragile, and feeling overwhelmed. I need some solutions but I can’t find any yet.

    So, yeah, please bear with me. I know you are there for me, but I really need to get some solid income coming in with a good health insurance plan.

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