[Creative Commons photo by enthusiast_rocks ]
I want to share with you my experience last night in my yoga class. I almost skipped it to go walking at a park, but I’m so glad I didn’t.
I really, really am so grateful I found my yoga class.
And I feel a deep, deep appreciation for my yoga instructor. He’s in his 50s, I think. Nice timbre to his voice, strong but gentle.
Half the time I feel I’m being guided by a really compassionate Buddhist type father figure. The other half I felt like I was being made love to. Is it weird to read that? Let me clarify.
It’s not an intensely sexual feeling, but he did beckon us (the large group of us) to “surrender”.
It’s difficult not to feel loved on, in a way. Some of the poses feel quite erotic to me. When you are on your back and have your legs up in the air in a wide ‘V’, it’s rather difficult to not think of sex.
The poses make me feel my muscles and tendons are being stretched like taffy. I push myself more to feel more of the ‘good’ kind of pain – the pain that says “here I am, I can feel that part way down there, I exist”.
My bones pop sometimes. Just a single one in a hip or knee, or the “pop, pop, pop” of my vertebrae that makes me laugh out loud.
I am getting stronger and more flexible.
There’s always his soothing voice, guiding us through the poses and bringing our attention to our breath, to the warmth generated in our bodies and the openness of certain parts of us, reminding us that we are, indeed, alive.
He alternates the difficult poses with resting ones.
He gently guides us to deepen the poses.
As I get better at yoga, I feel more but it hurts less.
I know what my soul needs. Gentleness and tenderness, kindness and compassion. Openness and trust – both ways giving and receiving.
I’ll do what I can to honor my feelings I have for people.
And it is not shameful.
I’ll do more yoga to feel and sense more things in a safe way.
I feel what I feel for people and grow less self-conscious about it.
I know I am who I am.
In my head, I gave him some words of lovingkindness.
I know I love certain people almost instantly even if I don’t even talk to them.
I feel a kind of deep resonance that says, “I like who you are and enjoy spending meaningful time with you.”
I am grateful for those who touch my soul and make me glad to be human, as confusing and messy and tumultuous as it can be sometimes.