I miss my mother sometimes

It’s rare, but I still do miss my mother, sometimes.

She lives only about 20 minutes away…in a big house so she could have big parties and impress people.

I called her up last night, because not only do I miss her, but I was afraid if I don’t, she’ll completely forget about me. She complained that the builders aren’t going to be finished rebuilding her damaged ceiling for another two weeks.

She asked me if my husband got a “real” job yet…if he pursued the contacts he was given.  I said, I didn’t know, that she’d have to ask him.  And if he is getting any more massage therapy clients.  I said, “yea, a couple, but still not enough”.

I told her about my daughter and her school winning the Math Bowl competition last week.   She said, “yeah, I know, I saw [my husband’s] post on Facebook.  Good for her”.

I am not sure why she couldn’t have congratulated her, but I didn’t dare ask.

When we ended the conversation, she actually said, “Love you”.  I was surprised, and a little happy.  I think that happens maybe once out of every 100 calls.  Most times it’s just “I gotta go, I’ve got stuff to do”.

I woke up this morning still feeling a bit melancholy for my mother.  So I called her up and asked her if I could come over for a visit.

She said, “Not a good day today.  I’m busy, doing errands”.

I said, “oh, okay, maybe another time then”.

It never occurs to my mother to ask me to tag along while she does errands, or takes me to lunch like she takes my sisters, or, even changing plans to make time for me.

I’ve heard it said you never really outgrow your need for your mother and father.

I’ve accepted what is and it hurts less and less these days.  Of all the pain I feel these days, that doesn’t take up much of it.

I can still forgive her for how she is and love her anyway.

It reminds me of an old, old song I used to listen to over and over again.

Cat’s In the Cradle

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew
He’d say “I’m gonna be like you dad
You know I’m gonna be like you”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home dad?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, “Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let’s play
Can you teach me to throw”, I said “Not today
I got a lot to do”, he said, “That’s ok”
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah
You know I’m gonna be like him”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home son?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
“Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?”
He shook his head and said with a smile
“What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home son?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then

I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind”
He said, “I’d love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job’s a hassle and kids have the flu
But it’s sure nice talking to you, Dad
It’s been sure nice talking to you”

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home son?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
This entry was posted in Emotionally Absent Mother, Grief and Loss, Motherhood, Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Parents, Trapped in the Mirror, Trauma, trauma recovery, Withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink.

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