Letting go

Sometimes time doesn’t erase the pain of old romances; it just comes and goes in waves.

This ‘poem’ is was written a long time ago when I was in one of those melancholic, wistful, sentimental moods

****

Didn’t I care enough…Love enough…try hard enough?

Did I care too much…Love too much…try too hard?

Did I miss something you were trying to tell me?

Did I look too closely?

Did I make it better?

Did I make it worse?

Did you want me to help, or were you just pretending that you did?

Did I feed your ego, but not your soul?

I’m left with questions upon questions and no answers.

Spinning, swirling in my head,

Reverberating in my heart.

You cried out to me, but when I came, you weren’t there.

I tried to love AND understand you.

And be what  you needed.

Shine the light down upon you.

Did I do it wrong?

No, I don’t think so.

I do things just the way I do things.

It’s either all or nothing.

I’m sorry that it wasn’t what you needed.

But I’m not sorry that I held nothing back.

*******

copyright 2011, Casey – The Sprightly Writer

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
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4 Responses to Letting go

  1. Phil says:

    So many questions, so very many questions. And yet I wonder, if there were answers to them all, would it ameliorate the hurt?

    • Casey says:

      Phil –

      The answer to your question is probably not.

      I have been in a period of my life where I’m questioning a lot of things. Recent experiences and discussions with friends have challenged some of my interpretations of past events with my husband, past relationships, and past friendships as I sift through some of these things to re-evaluate and update my values and priorities.

      This post is about the struggle with intimacy between individuals. I mean it’s about a particular someone, and yet it can apply to almost anyone I’d been with that I’m not with anymore. Not just a lover, but friends too. I’ve lost a few good friends over the years for some of the most perplexing reasons.

      I used to think I was able to read people well…to read the subtext underneath a person’s words and actions. Turns out that maybe I don’t read some people all that well. And that’s okay. It’s not their fault, nor is it mine. It just is.

      Intimacy in this day and age is much harder to achieve and maintain. There’s a lot of reasons for it, but at the bottom line, people both hunger for intimacy and at the same time distrust intimacy. And I am one of them. Even though I am married. Maintaining intimacy through the lifespan with a partner is difficult because most often the two individuals are growing at different rates. Or they are simply not growing at all.

      I’ve struggled with intimacy in my own marriage. I’d taken a look at some of my past relationships and friendships as I try to see where these current struggles with intimacy come from.

      Some of them are directly related to my being an adult child of an alcoholic. I have had no good models for healthy intimacy because I had an alcoholic father and an alcoholic stepfather and my mother was a narcissistic control freak. But sadly, I’ve had friends who have struggled in THEIR marriages too. I’m still looking for some good role models. I can’t seem to find any.

      I struggle between the desire for intimacy and the desire for space with my own husband. I can’t seem to get the right distance. I don’t think it helps that I’m hugely analytical and creative I need time apart to think and create. And I tend to cultivate friendships with others I can ponder some of the things that I think about. I try to tell my husband it’s not personal…even though it feels that way sometimes.

      I’ve had to make it up as I go along. I can see where my choice of partners relate to unfinished business with my parents. I can see where some of my choices in my life have added layers of complexity to matters as well. Consequently, we grapple with some things that many couples do not.

      It’s been challenging to both of us, but we’ve been growing a lot through this exploration process. My writing helps me in a lot of ways put this in perspective, and communicate with my husband and my friends.

      Hmmm, betcha didn’t expect that long-winded of a response.

  2. Mike says:

    Casey… that’s really beautiful and touching. No grudges or resentment, just a held memory of moments that make up our life.

    • Casey says:

      Mike –

      I loved a lot of people over the course of my life. I’m plenty capable of being angry at people over the short term (literally, like a day :)), but generally speaking, my views soften to a romanticized/idealized version of the people I have come to love and care about.

      Sometimes this is a positive trait, but other times, it’s not. It’s part of the reason why I have difficulty getting over the loss of friendships and relationships. For some of us, we never truly ‘get over’ those we’ve invested our time, attention and love in.

      For some of us…we fear future investments because we know the pain of past losses is difficult to bear.

      I haven’t figured out a good way to release that pain…which is why I try to respect and honor the friendships/relationships and the endings of them through my writing.

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