I’m working through a pervasive sense of sadness and isolation (yes, even though I’m married with children). I’ve struggling with yearnings for deep connection with others (in the real world, not just the internet, where I’ve met some wonderful people) and try to make do with my books and my writing (though some of the writings on this blog are a little too far out in left field to be enjoyable for most) but I have still not been deeply satisfied.
I read this piece from Talent Development.org called The Special Challenges of Highly Intelligent and Talented Women Who Are Moms, by Belinda Sieger and like some Highly Intelligent Women, and I found myself agreeing with this woman’s assessment:
One woman I worked with in private practice called this same drive to learn, her “lion.” She felt that “the desire to know, to do, to learn is like having a lion that needs feeding; if you don’t feed the lion it roars and makes itself known for sure!”
Like gifted children and young adults; gifted adults are distinguishable not only by their IQ’s but by their intensity, multiple talents, high energy, curiosity and obsessive need to increase in-depth knowledge in subjects that interest them.
But I have been feeding my lion and it’s still not satisfied. I used to work in the biotech field – in microbiology, forensics and medical genetics over a 12 year span before I came home to raise my daughters. I had created two blogs full of general education and science activities and articles I wrote on my other blogs The Wonder Years and The Exploration Station (which was a lot of fun…and I had taken a break from since all three have been in school full time). I have been autodidactic for a few years now. I write semi-intellectual pieces of what I read on this blog (which was an offshoot of another blog) in part to keep my analytical and writing skills sharp and in part to understand the minds of other highly intelligent and creative minds. Some of them generated some interesting dialogue. But it hasn’t been ‘enough’. I’ve been wondering why. I think that my lion just doesn’t eat intellectual stuff. It has learned and thought and analyzed quite a bit and still needs something else.
I’m slowly coming to the realization that I’ve been on the wrong track. I’m slowing down the hyper-analysis and I’m re-thinking my approach to my life. I’ve only been increasingly agitated and cranky and picking fights with my husband and this isn’t working anymore. Reading and writing my frustrations away aren’t really helping but making them become more entrenched in my thought processes. I think I’m imbalanced. Ha…no, not crazy imbalanced. Not too much anyway.
I’ve been on a S.P.I.N. cycle for too long (to use Dr. Hallowell’s expression for stuckness in ADD – which I may or may not actually have…but I would not be surprised if I do).
I call these periods of being stuck “spinning,” based on an acronym, S.P.I.N. The term sums up the usual causes of getting stuck:
“S” stands for Shame.
“P” stands for Pessimism and Negativity.
“I” stands for Isolation.
“N” stands for No Creative, Productive Outlet.
I think there is a creative side of me that needs exploration ASIDE from *just* writing. I have decided to take a look at some creative/artistic resources.
I have recently gotten this book from my local Borders.
And I have a few books ordered from Amazon:
The Artistic Mother by Shona Cole.
I also found some great blogs
I think I need to alternate my periods of hyper-intellectualism with some artistic endeavors. And then I’ll write about my progress and see if my perspective and my writing changes. My goal? I hope my sense of wonder increases while my negativity, frustration and a sense of dissatisfaction decreases.
How do YOU feed your tiger?
I woke up this morning and, after the girls were dropped off at school, I checked my email and found that Lisa Rivero at Everyday Intensity wrote a wonderful piece on Meeting the Intense Needs of Grownups after being inspired by this blog post. I’m deeply honored to be included in her post and I’ll be keeping my eye out for responses on her blog as well.