I see myself in the episodes of House.

I’m reprinting this old blog post of mine…it actually generated some backlash from a ‘journalist’ writer who wrote a nasty post about it…then I wrote a scathing response to her blog post on my own blog and I withdrew my original post for a while because I died of embarrassment over the issue.  She apologized after a few of my internet friends stood up for me.  I am republishing the controversial topic under a new name and a new blog because I thought it was quite good.

Oh, yeah, and I won’t tolerate internet bullying…so…consider yourself warned before you judge me based on one post.

*****

I was turned on to the TV series House, M.D. by a friend of mine. I had avoided watching it simply because I really don’t get into the TV much, but particularly not TV medical dramas like ER or Grey’s Anatomy. They always kind of struck me as too popular and more like soap operas than anything. Yeah, I know, probably not, but I wrote them off as such anyway.

But, my friend mentioned an episode I caught a while back, Lines in the Sand, about a child with autism who had basically gotten sick from parasites in his sandbox, and I’ve been hooked ever since, not because of the medical diagnosis, but because of the character of House and his struggle to relate to his peers. They explore the concept that House might have Asperger’s Syndrome, which could give a feasible explanation for House’s lack of social skills.  Not that it matters to me one bit.   Whether he has it or not is irrelevant.  I think he’s a fascinating character.

I’m going to pull out some of my favorite quotes…kind of to illustrate something about me and my own thoughts and feelings.

Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It’s normal to want to be normal.

House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle, and everyone inside the circle is normal, anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized or worse, pitied.

I had lived with a circle queen. My sister was a skinny, socially privileged circle queen who, along with my mother, felt I didn’t belong in this circle of normal. I hadn’t really realized until this episode that is exactly what happened to me. They sometimes talked about me being institutionalized or getting ‘psychological help’ because there was ‘something wrong with  me’.  Basically, I was just different and I was spoke out against the family’s dysfunction. In my case, my being different was that I was simply too smart for my own good.

The episode I caught today was called Private Lives, about a woman blogger with a complicated condition (aren’t they all???) and House treats her. In the meantime, Wilson convinces House to go speed dating. House reluctantly agrees.

I really liked the exchange between him and one of the speed daters that catches his attention, because House thinks he’s found a complementary mind…and I was really rooting for him.  But, it doesn’t turn out so well:

House: [noticing the daily crossword puzzle she has on the table.] You like puzzles.

Mary: I hoped my job would let me play with puzzles all day long, but it didn’t work out that way. [House looks intrigued.] Police detective. Turns out criminals are idiots. If they’re not gonna bother to challenge you, what’s the point?

House: [looking around] Is there a fire alarm we could pull? Maybe get out of here.

Mary: [smiling] Hmm.

House: Except… Maybe you’re just too swoft.

Mary: Beg your pardon.

House: Swoft. It’s one of your crossword answers. I believe it means lying manipulator who tells men anything they want to hear. You brought a prop as a conversation starter. Folded the paper to make it look read, filled in some answers, but you couldn’t be bothered to work at it, so you just put in random letters. You have some natural talent as a liar, but not enough brains to see it through. I’m gonna assume you’re not a cop. [leans back in his chair] Are the five minutes up?

Yeah, I wished she wasn’t manipulative, that she really could have been the challenging partner he wants.  It’s the piece of the puzzle that House is missing.  I like his character, because, unlike Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, who is a brilliant young physicist and prefers to be asexual, House is brilliant AND has very human needs for physical connection…WITH a particular kind of deep, intellectual connection and understanding.  He just can’t find it.

I get that.  I SO get that.  And this is what MY problem is, and has been.  I just hadn’t know that one of the ‘keys’ to helping me understand myself and my seeking has been in the episodes of House.  Like this dialogue, where Wilson had discovered House was reading his biological father’s book on sermons, hoping to discover a mind like his own.

Wilson: You weren’t looking for some big catharsis. You didn’t want to hug the guy. You just wanted to know how his head works. How he thinks.

House: ‘Cause I’m fascinated with how ministers think.

Wilson: Because you’re not ordinary, House. You’re way out there on the fringe somewhere. I’m your best friend, and half the time, I don’t understand you. You’re alone. Been alone your whole life.

[They start across the lobby.]

Wilson: When you read that book, you were hoping that somewhere, underneath all that talk of God, there would be a way of thinking, a mind that you could recognize. You wanted what we all want.

House: The power to transform into any water-based object?

Wilson: To look across the gulf and know there’s someone else like you. At least tell me this – did you find something there?

House: Underneath the God stuff… More God stuff.

Yeah…that.

I would love to look across the gulf and know there is someone else who thinks like me.  I blog, for the purpose of trying to look for another like me out there.  I seek friendship, fellowship, intense intellectual exchange with another…I can’t find it AND maintain it.  Oh, I have fans (I think, maybe).  Any time I post something, I get about 140 hits a day for a day or two and very little if any commentary.  That’s all right.  It is what it is, right?  Always a bridesmaid and never a bride.  I’m okay with that.

I’m too serious.  I’m too unfunny.  Sometimes I’m too whiny.  That’s quite all right.  I’ve read a few hysterically funny blogs and I wish I could be more like that.  People tend to comment to those types of blogs.  Real life is too depressing…people read and respond to light-hearted, raunchy, or satirical blogs.  I get that.   That’s just not me.

I guess…if you think about it…it’s better that I find commonalities in a fictional character named House than nowhere in real life. I don’t know whether to be relieved or be depressed. Relieved because I see myself (somewhat anyway) in House, or depressed because he’s not real.

There is no one in MY family like me…who has the same mix of high intelligence and extreme sensitivity.  My sisters are not nearly as smart.

My half-brother is highly intelligent, but arrogant.  And 10 years younger than me, and never remembers my birthday, even though it’s the day before his.  It’s like I don’t even count in his book.

Well, there might have been my grandfather, but he’s long gone now.  My husband…a mechanical engineer, is not a stupid man by any stretch of the imagination.  And our sex life is just fine.  Better than many.  Yeah we have three kids, but we have sex at least twice a week and we have the occasional marathon run of 4 over a weekend.  But then, afterward, instead of basking in the afterglow and resting, my mind is wanting to discuss something…well, like this morning…I wanted to discuss these episodes of House because they spoke to me.

But we just can’t have that intense exchange I require.  I have said that I would be better off with a lobotomy.  Maybe then I would have average-sized needs and any old communication would suffice.

I haven’t found a real life friend like me.  I have one or two friends somewhat sort of like me on the internet, but I’m sensing not for much longer.   Don’t ask.  It’s too complicated (as if anything is ever simple for me).

I’m thinking I’m going to start collecting the boxed sets of House.  At least I’d feel not completely misunderstood in this world and I’d perhaps use that as some sort of way to communicate how I am to my husband (though, I kind of thought I was through this blog…but…oh well).  Guess it couldn’t make things worse.

*******

Has it ever happened to you that you watch a character in a movie, book or tv program and feel a strong resonance to that character, that goes a long way in explaining some character traits of your own?

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About Casey

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road Again
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