This is my fourth blog. It seems to me, as a friend recently told me, that it might be difficult to use one blog for all my needs. I plan to use this blog to explore my interior world through lying I mean writing fiction and journal-type entries. It’s a place to write a few nonprofessional essays about people far more interesting and famous than I will ever be. It’s also a place to get my anger and frustration out because sometimes I can’t seem to deal with it rationally in my own world and I hate dumping on all my friends and my husband. I’ve done that way too much and I leave feeling pretty low.
So who am I? I’m nobody special. I’m just a stay at home mother struggling to stay sane in an insane world, with a decent husband who I find difficulty connecting sometimes though I am committed to keep trying and 3 very bright daughters who we love deeply but drive us up the flippin’ wall sometimes.
I had a great job once upon a time. I had close friends and a few confidantes. I’m quite displeased with how quitting my job displaced more than just my location and identity. It displaced me in people’s hearts too. Out of sight, out of mind? Probably.
I make some great friends on the internet. A few who are as intense and complex as I am. And that’s both good and bad. Good because it’s great to finally find friends who “get it” and bad because you really don’t know who’s behind the screen and you only see their “best” side. The side they want you to see. Not the side where they are human just like you and screw up just like you and can be petty just like you.
Sometimes, though, you get lucky. And you find someone you can let down your hair with a little. Expose a little bit of your tender underbelly. Someone you can be direct with and lay out a little of your bullshit and know they won’t get fed up and leave but will stick around to work it out with you, because they know the investment is worth it.
I want to be a writer some day. A good writer. A writer who bares her soul and examines her shadow issues through writing. A writer who learns more about herself and human nature and who cuts through the bullshit to get through the other side of it…and finds genuine connection with her audience.
I don’t want to write to entertain and waste people’s time. I also don’t want to be a train wreck exposed for all the world to pity and gloat over (even though sometimes I feel like one). I want to write to process what I see and experience, comment on what is not working in my world, and maybe understand how I can use my writing for the betterment of it.
I always thought, if I could just reach a few people and make a difference through my writing, I’d be happy. I know I have through my other blogs. But something was missing. I still held back a lot of my true self. I have stories that pretty desperately want out.
I don’t know how to get them out…so I suppose starting a new blog that no one except a select few knows about will help. I might even do what a friend of mine does and turn off comments. I don’t really feel like discussing what I might write about with anyone publicly anyway. (So why do I hear Cartman’s “No kitty…this is MY pot pie and you can’t have it” right now? Beats the hell out of me).
Well, I guess that’s it.
Welcome to my new playground.